Duchess Of Angels

2011

2011-12-31T17:49:00.018+08:00

2011 is finally coming to its end and the curtains almost closed. This year has been yet another hard and uneven road for me. Why? First of all, starting a year with everything answered in subjective and with no choices or any hints for the answer is not something very easy to do. Here's a list of events that have occurred throughout the year 2011 in my life :

Turning 16! Never a better way to celebrate it than with my lovely girlfriends and of course, a SURPRISE PARTY from my Taekwondo lovely buddies! Thank you to all you have made my sweet sixteen a memorable one!

Birthday cake no. 1 from the surprise party =)

Birthday cake no. 2 when my girlfriends and me celebrated

Presents from girlfriends!

Presents revealed! What I've always wanted! Love you girls!

The epic gift from Mr. David Bock who dropped by our party. Thanks sir!

Can you believe it? I was actually allowed to go to a 4 days 3 nights camp at Pulau Pangkor! On my own of course! I had a splendid time while I was there. Although in the beginning didn't know anyone. But by the end of the day, I had friends from all over the country! And we were reluctant to go back home *sob* *sob*

Look at the amount of people! And they're all Form Fours!

First time rock climbing
Looks easy when you see people doing it but when you're in action? SO HARD

The hanging bridge that we were required to cross
Scary.....

With friends...

Penang contigen

With the captain of the camp

It was fun at first being sixteen and entering yet another phase of my life. But, my journey of 2011 starts to drown when you zoom into my studies. Long story short, I went from top 10 to top 20. But Other than that, I still managed to keep my personal record. =)

This year, I gained A LOT of weight. Why? First, I got toenail problem, thus, had to stopped training. Went for surgery. Twice. Scary...

Celebrated Mum's birthday at Seoul Garden, Gurney.

Of course not to forget, Dad's birthday!

Entering the first and most probably last robotic competition.

Entering Spell It Right competition. Had fun although didn't won. Movies with girlfriends after that to cheer up me day. =)

Look how the spelled my name. Talk about spelling it right

Celebrated a best girlfriend's birthday. Happy Birthday Jessie =)

A cute kitten who dropped by to join the party

Not to forget a trip to Monkey Beach with my Taekwondo buddies!

And during the school holidays, really got to let my hair down by going to a trip to Cameron with my Taekwondo buddies! Miss those funny moments!

This is how it looks like to sit behind a Toyota Hilux. 15 people in the car altogether!

The Boh tea plantation. The sight was breathtaking

Look at the fish!

Well, that's about what happened in my life. 2 hours to go before the new year. Another chapter in the book starts. Hope everyone have a happy new year! =)

2011-12-16T18:51:00.002+08:00

Been crying the whole day and still feel sad.

2011-11-23T21:37:00.001+08:00

Just when I thought life will finally give a few days off, BAM reality hits me again...Well..I'm tired..I really am..

2011-05-28T19:56:00.003+08:00

Life has taken yet another weird course. This time, a much more tougher one. Why you may ask? It's because it made me wonder again and again and made me think of all the what ifs that I could came up with. What if people except that you actually love someone? Wouldn't that be easier to be joyful together and exploring each other's pros and cons? Instead of judging the book by its cover, judging someone by mere comments from others, isn't it much easier to just get to know that person yourself? I think I'm blabbing in this post, the reason is because I have no idea how on earth am I going to start this post.

As happy as I may be, there are ups and downs in life which I cannot deny. I often ponder on the thought of having a family, or building one, one that is peaceful, that don't shout to each other every day, one that talks politely. Sadly, I can't see that happening. Maybe I could build one someday, who knows.

I often too, ponder on the thought of spending my life with Mr. Right, the kind of guy that is perfect from every single aspects. But sadly, that's not possible, although, I believe I have found my true love, as rare as it may seem, I like to think that I have found mine. Because when we're together, nothing else matters anymore. Of course, being in a relationship is not all lovey dovey all the time. We fight, we cry and we make up. That's what we do. Most importantly, we love each other with all our hearts. And that to me, is what matters the most.

If I may quote The Notebook,
" The reason it hurts so much to separate is because our souls are connected. Maybe they always have been and will be. Maybe we've lived a thousand lives before this one and in each of them we've found each other. And maybe each time, we're forced apart for the same reasons. That means that this good-bye is both a good-bye for the past ten thousand years and a prelude to what will come. When I look at you, I see your beauty and grace and know they have grown stronger with every life you have lived. And I know I have spent every life before this one searching for you. Not someone like you, but you, for your soul and mine must always come together. And then, for a reason neither of us understands, we've been forced to say good-bye. I would love to tell you that everything will work out for us, and I promise to do all I can to make sure it does. But if we never meet again and this is truly good-bye, I know we will see each other again in another life. We will find each other again, and we will not only love each other in that time, but for all the times we've had before."

2011-05-07T23:08:00.002+08:00

Love. This 4 letters make people do all sorts of things, may it be foolish or not. I feel a burning sensation inside every time we argue on the only day we could see each other. I don't deny I'm wrong. As much as I want to avoid it, I can't. I'm sorry that I hurt you and I'm sorry for everything that I've said and done. Maybe we aren't meant for each other, I don't know. But whatever it is, whatever happens, I know I'll never forget you. Because you honey, will be the first person who made me have butterflies in my tummy and the first to make me want to open up and not shutting out the world. I love you.

Confused..

2011-04-09T18:40:00.002+08:00

I sometimes wonder, were we made for each other? Or were we just plainly madly in love? In circumstances like these, when we talk about how lost we are, how we can't find our true selves because we gave in to each other, I feel as though we don't even know each other at all. There are times when I feel that we are from two different planets. But sometimes, when we're together, it feels like nothing matters anymore as long as we're together, embracing each other. You said that you might be crazy for waiting around for me the 24/7. But to me, I feel it's sweet and adorable. You ask me to decide if I need you that night. But dear, truth is, I don't even know when do I need you. I don't like to see you trapped because of me, that's the truth, but at the same time, I want you, although I know well that it's nothing but a selfish need. You said you are confused, well I am too..

Can I Just Dream On?

2011-03-13T21:28:00.002+08:00

You made me come to realize that reality is harsh, much more cruel than fantasy. Yes, I've learnt little by little to accept the fact that its no doubt harsh. Learnt that you can't change people.

But since I was a kid, I've been dreaming that one day I can make the world a better place, that I can change people to be better. I know its selfish to think that way, but its just who I am. I know its the most naive thing you can find in someone.

But, for now, before everything ends, will you just let me dream on? Will you just let me believe in myself for once that I can do that?

Why?

2011-02-11T22:43:00.003+08:00

Everyone's changed now. Its as if a new chapter has revealed upon itself and the old one shut close, hidden and forgotten forever.

The atmosphere is so saddening nowadays. With more and more people giving up, leaving the ones left clinging on for dear life. Today, even sir has died, inside with disappointment. Why? Why do you have to do this? It was once a place full of joy and laughter, where everyone was treated as part of the family. Now? Its left with nothing but shredded pieces of memories, either forgotten or hidden away. Our family has grown smaller, day by day. Every little piece of the puzzle that was once firm and strong, they're beginning to tear apart, instead of facing adversity.

Is this how it'll end? With no one fighting on to keep it alive? Why do you all have to do this? Yes I admit sometimes some of us can be shitty and crappy, but through all those times, we've been through it together as a family. But now? Everyone's hurting each other. It's like your tearing your own skin off.

Answer me this though.

Will each and everyone of you look back one fine day and smile at all those memories we had together as a team? Or will you sigh and wished it was never a chapter of your life? Or worse, will you be filled with hatred every time you look back?

Please don't do this...

2011-01-12T19:19:00.002+08:00

Everyone of us has our own passion in doing something we love. May it be art, swimming, reading, dancing etc. I'm probably just blabbing here, but that's what a blog is for isn't it?

Form 4, begins a new chapter of life. New things to learn, growing older and turning into a lady day by day. Not to forget, Sweet Sixteen that only comes once in a lifetime. With the burden that I bear, no matter what, I still wanna go.

So, please, will you please stop trying to stop me from going to the one place I can feel sane? The one place that at least I have left a lil' bit more hope on changing it back to the way it was 5 years ago...

Will I Survive?

2011-01-07T23:26:00.002+08:00

Did you ever cling your hopes onto certain people because they were your inspiration? That they were the prove that something can be done because they are the living prove? I received a shocking news today, hearing that their world was broken apart. I have looked up to them as an inspiration and most important, she was a dear friend and was always there when the road is bumpy. But now, I'm left with nothing. I feel lost. I keep asking myself will I too face the similar situation?

I've yet again succeeded in discovering the ugly side of humanity. May it be my acquaintances, my mentors, my friends or the people whom I used to respect. Everywhere I turn, there's always something that is happening. Why? Why can't everything just went back to the way they were? Why can't things went back to what they were 5 years ago? Everyone was so much more friendlier then. Everyone was treated equally, and everyone became a family. But now? All of that has turned to ashes. My question is, will the ashes turn into a phoenix? Will the rain fade and the rainbows appear?

It's only been a week since school started and already I'm in a mess. Dealing with all sorts of people every day, I am relieved to say that I am still sane. I've had words that cut me deep thrown to me, I just hope that I still survive this endeavour. Being in the top is not easy as I have come to realized. As days pass by, I find myself wondering have I made the right decision? Have I chosen the correct path to pursue?

But, at the end of the day, no matter what life throws at us, it's still our life. We decide what we are and not become who others want us to be. I just hope that at the end of the day, everything is worthwhile.

2011

2011-01-02T21:41:00.002+08:00

First and foremost, Happy New Year to all of you.

Well, what can I say? Time really does flies. After all the hardships, it all became my memories of the year 2010. Can't deny it's it has really been tough last year. Also, sad to say that 2010 has finally come to an end.

Here's hoping all of you readers good luck for the year 2011. =)

2010-12-24T11:33:00.000+08:00

Another miracle perhaps?

Lil Oink Oink

2010-12-22T14:41:00.003+08:00

Though we have never met, I could see it in their eyes that you have indeed brought joy to their lives. Touching their hearts and souls in your own unique ways. Playful and annoying as they described you, as to your early morning 'talking' sessions with them, they still loved you nonetheless.

Having gone through a rough time and fighting for life till your very last breath, you are indeed a strong kitty.

Rest in peace Dino. You shall always be remembered lil Oink Oink.

2010-12-15T22:23:00.002+08:00

Finally the date is confirmed.

23rd December.

Will it be a new beginning? Or will it be the entrance to hell?

May God bless all of us.
Know in your heart that you have done all you can.

2010-12-11T21:18:00.003+08:00

5 years ago, I entered a place I would proudly call where I belong. I could practically say I grew up there, meeting new friends, some who are dear to me, some who have changed to someone I barely knew.

Well, I can't help but feel lost, 5 years later, when everything is hectic, people started changing, some became selfish, some changed so much you can barely tell them apart, and some, thinking they're god almighty.

If you ask me, who would I side? I would say, well, I don't know. But I really hope that this family that I have had for the past 5 years, won't just distinguish and disappear into thin air.

Will it end?

2010-11-26T13:52:00.005+08:00

As most of you know, I've been haunted by my past for as long as I can remember. For those of you who don't know, well, its better that you don't. Its not a tale everybody fancies listening to.

Telling some of my loved ones about my dark childhood, it relieves the pain that has been ripping me apart ever since that incident occurred. Nonetheless, it only relieves the pain for awhile. Like giving a crying little kid a candy to stop them crying. When I'm alone facing the beast, it all comes back. It haunts my memories so bad that at times, I just wished I was not born into this world at all. Or at least, not into where I am now, because truth to be told, I never felt like I belong forever.

All the sympathy and empathy that I received, they're all temporary to comfort me for the time being. But when it all disappear into thin air, I'm left with nothing but misery. Misery and the haunted memories that the beast has implanted into my memories when I was an innocent child. Why he did that I do not know.

I've tried pushing it out of my memories before, but I can't. Because, as far as it goes, I can only temporary not think of it but not entirely forget it. It's even worse than a pebble in the shoe. Because this particular memory, it's killing me inside. I tried and tried every day to smile and not think of it. But when the mind lingers, it is that particular memory that makes me flinch when I'm in contact with people.

I tried hard to smile and tell you all I'm okay and to not worry. But truth is, sometimes all I ever want to do, is to shout and cry it all out. But I know, even if I were to do that, it'll still be there. Like a stain that can never be washed away no matter how many times or whatever detergent you use to clean it.

So I hope one day, someday, I can finally really sincerely smile and truthfully tell you all that I'm alright. But will I be granted this freedom that I have seek for years? I do not know.

I do know one thing, to those of you who have heard my tale and accepted me for who I am. Thank you all.

Voice out OR die bottling it up

2010-11-25T08:53:00.002+08:00

2010-11-18T20:27:00.002+08:00

Fate sometimes thinks it's funny to say no to our desires. But sometimes, or most of the time, it's just ourselves. It's just whether or not we're brave or courageous enough to take the risk, to take that step forward. Sometimes, in the darkest hour and times, it feels like we're not meant to be. And that you truly deserves someone far much stronger and braver than I am. Times like that, I truly wished that you were with someone else.

Nonetheless, I love you.

2010-11-16T20:06:00.002+08:00

As always, apologies for abandoning my blog for such a long time. Well, anyways, school has finally ended. Yes indeed, it has officially ended. With the official leave of the Form Fives on Thanksgiving day, to this day, which is also the day of retirement for a teacher who has committed herself for this school which has a history behind it for 31 years.

I can't say 2010 is a year full of shit, indeed I can't say that it has been wonderful either. Because as life allows it, it is always wonderful and sometimes shitty. From being a blur Form 1 student till being part of a big family, this year truly has been amazing, with the best seniors I ever had. I really am going to miss each and everyone of you.

Well, last of all. Happy holidays to all of you and good luck to the seniors!

2010-10-25T17:13:00.002+08:00

Scene : A family watching the television, show's/new's about:
1) A teenage girl who can't control her crazy hormones and got pregnant for doing it with her boyfriend.
2) A girl got raped because she trusted her boyfriend.
3) A young couple about to do it and the boy promised the girl that she's the one he truly
love and will never leave her no matter what but ends up dumping her because she got pregnant.
And the list goes on and on.

Parents : See honey, that's what you get for dating at an early age. Teenagers are just lack of moral values and self dignity nowadays that they are willing to give their body at such a young age.
Kid : But mum/dad, not all teenagers are like that.
Parents : Teenagers are teenagers, that is why you are not allowed to have a boyfriend at such a
young age. It's all for your own good honey. Education is important, remember that.
Kid : *silent*

Now, question, has something like this ever happen to you?

Well, it has to me. I've heard it so often that I can tell what are my parents thinking before they even open their mouths to start this particular topic.

My opinion?

Yes, as true as it is, it is a fact that teenagers nowadays mostly only care about their lust desires. Thus, forgetting their self dignity or self respect towards themselves.

But, see everything has a BUT.

What happens to those young couples who truly love each other? I'm not saying it's a bad thing that parents are protective of their child's happiness and safety, but, really, they believe what the media shows them. They keep it in their brains that that's what's gonna happen when their innocent child is dating at a young age.

Is it fair for them to think that way? Shouldn't they just give their children a chance to prove themselves worthy?

2010-10-18T22:46:00.002+08:00

It's amazing how things can turn from heaven to hell within 24 hours. And that, is exactly what happened to me.

Yesterday was one of the happiest day of my life, a chance that appears out of the blue. I got to spent the day with my friends who made yesterday a memorable one. On the other hand, after almost 4 months of not being able to be together without offending people, we finally had the chance to hang out. Although it's only 2 hours, I felt like nothing matters anymore. When you pulled me into your embrace, I felt safe for once.

But today, all of that seem so far away. It seemed like all of that never happened. Frankly speaking, I was not mad, at all. I was hurt and disappointed...

Freedom =)

2010-10-12T22:09:00.002+08:00

Apologies for the delays of the posting.

Finally, finally, FINALLY, the war is officially OVER! All hell break lose as the clock ticks 4 and everybody was eager to get off they're seat, as though there were pins on their chairs. Then when the invigilator announced that we were free to go, everyone shouted, out of joy of gaining our freedom back.

Therefore to all fellow Form Threes, the war is over. Although we have a long way to go, results coming somewhere in December, don't even waste your time worrying about it all. Let your hair down, and party like you never party before!

Adios.

2010-10-07T20:52:00.003+08:00

Came back, feeling relieved and glad that the government was kind enough to give us a break that lasts 72 hours before returning to the battlefield.

Came home, had a long bath, cleared the table that was occupied with a mountain of books. Took out my net book, switch on the power and the screen came back to life after almost a week of abandoning it.

Feeling happy that I had a break and could finally let my hair down a little, something broke again. Like a vase falling down from the table, shattering into tiny little pieces and the flowers inside it lay lifeless and helpless on the floor, covered by tiny pieces of broken glass.

That's a metaphor about how my life has been lately. Every single moment something wonderful happens, it disappears, just as fast as how it appeared out of sheer luck. What has been going on? Is it the stress? Is it the paranoia? I don't really know either.

Good luck people!

2010-10-01T21:41:00.002+08:00

Feeling anxious, yet scared, I can't say I'm not eager to finish PMR. To be honest, I am not fully prepared. That's the truth I'm telling you readers who are also taking the examination next Tuesday. No, in case you think I'm lying and trying to be the kind that says I didn't study but did, no, I'm not that kind of person. So, as much as I want it to end, I'm still hoping it doesn't come. So to all of you readers who are the same age as me and taking PMR, good luck and all the best. Pray hard, try all your best because this is what you have prepared yourselves for. All those late night studying, not going out because you need to study, the restraining of not going to Facebook, etc, all of those are gonna be paid off. So, give it your best shot and don't stress yourselves.

2010-09-26T11:00:00.002+08:00

" It is better to love someone and get hurt than never loving someone. "

“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”

“To love is to risk not being loved in return. To hope is to risk pain. To try is to risk failure, but risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.”

“Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep... wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you're just as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky his is to have you.... The one who turns to his friends and says, 'that's her.'”

“I don't pretend to know what love is for everyone, but I can tell you what it is for me; love is knowing all about someone, and still wanting to be with them more than any other person, love is trusting them enough to tell them everything about yourself, including the things you might be ashamed of, love is feeling comfortable and safe with someone, but still getting weak knees when they walk into a room and smile at you.”

“One of the hardest things in life is watching the person you love, love someone else.”

“One of the hardest things in life is having words in your heart that you can't utter.”

“Just so you know, there's a space that only you can fill. Just so you know, I loved you then, I guess I always will.”

“Just so you know, there's a space that only you can fill. Just so you know, I loved you then, I guess I always will.”

“There are four questions of value in life... What is sacred? Of what is the spirit made? What is worth living for, and what is worth dying for? The answer to each is the same. Only love.”

“It is better to lose your pride with someone you love rather than to lose that someone you love with your useless pride.”

“True Love burns the brightest, But the brightest flames leave the deepest scars.”

“When you smiled you had my undivided attention. When you laughed you had my urge to laugh with you. When you cried you had my urge to hold you. When you said you loved me, you had my heart forever.”

“The one who loves you will make you weep.”

“I would rather have eyes that cannot see; ears that cannot hear; lips that cannot speak, than a heart that cannot love”

“You don't love someone for their looks, or their clothes, or for their fancy car, but because they sing a song only you can hear.”

2010-09-25T23:06:00.002+08:00

Don't ever judge a book by its cover..

That's all I have to say, I don't have the strength anymore..

Life down the eMo lane..

2010-09-14T22:50:00.002+08:00

First of all, greetings to all readers. And caution, it's going to be another Miss Emo post again.

Gosh, I don't even know how to start writing this post. Lately, life has been god damn harsh. Let it be on me, my friends, my family or my beloved. Indeed, 2010, the year of the almighty Tiger is certainly not an easy or jolly one. Yes, we've all been through a hell lot of problems and challenges before surviving to this very day.

But you know, all these heated atmosphere, this hating and callous attitude, I don't like it. I've been a coward lately. I miss those times. Those times when I would drop everything and take the risk, just to have fun, just to let my hair down. But now? Every time I wanna take a risk, I think of consequences, I mean, its not like I think of them, but involuntarily, they just popped into my mind.

Secondly, I owe you an apology. To my friends, I'm really sorry that I fucked up our friendship nowadays. I apologized if I've neglected you guys, and I know you guys know who you are. And to you, I'm sorry I ignored and declined your every attempt to spend time with me. I admit I've been harsh to do that, since its not easy for us to be together. I'm sorry I've turned into a coward, and curling up into a shell and shedding tears just because there isn't a solution to every problem.

Lastly, I pray to God that all of us will go through life with a strong heart. And I hope, that you and me, will be able to hold our heads up high someday. I know its hard and the path is REALLY long, but, life with you? It makes it all worth while..

2010-09-08T19:37:00.002+08:00

Hi folks! How are the holidays coming up? To those who are having fun and letting their hair down, I'm glad you're all having fun and enjoying yourselves. However, to those who are not enjoying their holidays so much, well, your time will come kiddo.

Anyways, back to today. Miss a hangout with some of my dearest friends. Forgive me people, I'm sure you know why I can't make it. =( But, you have my word I shall be there for the event after PMR!

Went out today, watched PCK again. Have to say, although I wished a miracle would happen, I'm still glad we had a chance to go out before I bury my head in books. It was fun, and decent. Just a nice day out to let down your hair and relax.=)

Peter Pan?

2010-09-06T22:06:00.003+08:00

Out of boredom and a slight curiosity to watch a fairy tale, I watched Enchanted again. At least for a change, Giselle falls in love with Robert instead of Edward, her so called true love. Yet, isn't it amazing to be like her? Happy endings.

I sometimes wonder how simple would life be if I was still a kid. No worries, so naive and can do anything I want without getting scolded at. Maybe that's why Peter Pan didn't want to grow up. All the adventures he can have, all the fun he would be as a boy, forever. Then again, it's impossible to stop time because in reality, we all grow up someday.

2010-09-05T17:05:00.002+08:00

To most individuals, a week of holidays and doing nothing seem like freedom in our hands. To me? It's the time when my mind plays tricks with me the most. Only the 2nd day of holidays and I can already feel the sensation beginning. That's what holidays are to me. The time when I am sorrow's only victim. It's one and only lethal to bring me to the realm of sadness and where hope and faith does not exist.

As good as holidays are, I don't always enjoy it. Caged up like a bird, what more can I do? Staying at home thinking how lucky other individuals are for getting to go out whenever and with whoever they want. While on the same time, thinking of all those unfortunate individuals and thinking to myself how can I still complain with all that I have? Then again, nobody will ever be satisfied with what they have will they? One needs to lose something or someone before they learn to appreciate.

However, faith and hope seem so far away from me now. I can't even spend time with the one I love, how ironic, like Rapunzel, locked up in the highest tower of all not being able to see Prince Charming. The only way they can meet was for him to climb up the tower, and in the story, using her extremely long silky smooth hair. Fairy tales they're called. With happy endings every single time I watch them. But in reality, those events never took place. Why? Because fairy tales remain fairy tales no matter how hard I try to believe that they're real. I'll never be a princess.

The only thing I believe about fairy tales? True love. Yes, it does exist. It exist when you see that someone, nothing else matters. Even if you had to swim the deepest sea, climb the highest mountain to see him/her. Whenever you fight, you knew in you're heart its so silly and 10 seconds later both apologized. And when you're in his/her embrace, it feels like the time has stopped, right then and there. You felt safe, like never before and comfort whenever both of you hug. And when you lose that someone, it feels like a piece of you has been ripped off. When you miss them, its as though your heart is empty, its as though they complete your other half.

2010-09-02T19:11:00.002+08:00

Ain't no better way to start a post than a simple greeting. Hi folks. Well, well, well, what can I say? These few days, these few weeks, have certainly not been the best of my luck. Been feeling down most of the days, most of the time.

The only bright side I can see is that :
1) Finally made my hard work paid when I got Top 5 for Forms 1,2,3. WITHOUT TUITION!
2) Got 6As for PMR trials, I know, not so good.
3) Finally got 2nd Poom.
4) Parodies are fun to watch. Key of Awesome definitely rock!

Well, I can't think of anything else. Can you? Feel free to comment.

Life's been amazingly, fantastically hard and harsh. What can I say? Life ain't easy eh? Not to say I'm a pitiful piece of shit, but, honestly? I feel abandoned, I really do. Nobody ever notice me. Not like I'm expecting paparazzi to swarm all over me. Then again, I don't blame anyone for it. What happened you may wonder, I'll tell you what happened. I became a prefect. That's what happened. Yeah yeah I know. It's an honor to be a part of the team. But sometimes, I just want my life back, just for a few days. Too bad, it's all too late. Well folks, I have no idea what to rant about anymore. It's just so bad that I simply cannot express it with words.

Adios.

c-o-w-a-r-d

2010-08-27T09:15:00.003+08:00

Been awhile since I've updated. Apologies to the readers(if there's anyone actually reading this blog). Anyhow, it's been a long week, a tiring month and a whole new batch of challenges awaits.

Lately, I realized that I've been turning more and more cowardly. Why? I don't know either and it's the truth I'm telling you. I used to be so kind of wild last time, risking everything and just wanted to let my hair down. But lately, every time I think of doing that, I feel guilty, guilty that I've lied. So instead of sky diving, jumping without a parachute or anything, I'm recoiling back into my shell, the one I've been trying so hard to come out of. And now, it's pulling me back.

I say things that I won't do, speak without thinking twice and worse, bitching about people I hate. Maybe it's the depression, maybe it's the stress, maybe it's the feeling of not wanting to be locked up in a cage. I don't know, either way, I'm a coward. Yes, I am. And I won't deny it.

So I pray really hard, that one day, everything will finally be OK. That everything will turn out good. That we will finally be able to hold our heads high and be together without needing to worry about consequences.

2010-08-13T17:38:00.002+08:00

Hatred, the emotion that feels like water boiling in you, like a volcano, waiting to erupt, slowly creeps back inside me all over again. I made a promise to myself not to hate anyone, because, you see my fellow folks, the person you hate does not even know you hate them. So it'll be like clapping with one hand, it's rather tiring and torturing believe me. Sadly, I have been hating someone these few weeks. Along with some of my acquaintances who hate the same person as well. I'm kinda sure you know who you are, so please, stop being so annoying. You've work hard to build up a strong foundation so please, don't go tearing it down.

Time is flying as usual, callously ignoring all that have fallen and failed to achieve what they want in time. That's what's it's like to me now, the situation of PMR trials that will be beginning next Wednesday and I'm still here, blogging. On a different note, it's Friday 13th, God please bless me and my darling that we will get through our grading and get good results TONIGHT.

2010-08-08T21:25:00.002+08:00

Finally, grading is over! Kinda glad it's over, and now, it's the trials I have to worry about. It's next week and I have yet to touch a single revision book >.< and I ain't lying about that.

Grading was as usual, scary and freaky and creepy. I really have learned that towards some bitches, its no use showing them any mercy. You pity them, they kill you. So yeah, bitches are bitches no matter how pretty they might be.

Weird week..

2010-08-06T22:56:00.002+08:00

Been a weird week, that's all I can describe whenever I think of the events that took place within this week.

1st, rehearsals for the Speech Day which is tomorrow. Honestly, skipping lessons was fun, I need not have to see all those faces that I do not want to see, it's a once in a school year thing when we have reasons for not being in the class. Then again, there's a price to pay. Homework piling up into a mountain >.<

Well, lately, I think my mind is playing games with me. I've been missing him a lot a lot that apparently, my mind wonders around, and settle for a crush which well, is abnormal to say the least. Don't get me wrong, I'm an open minded person, but having a crush on that particular person is weird, especially when I see that person everyday. Which is why, obsession is a drug, I got so addicted I forgot who I am. So yeah, it's weird.

As for training, I've found out a rather worrying thing about grading this Sunday. Turns out I have to run 2.4km within 12 minutes. Either that or I fail my grading. So yeah, I know I know I'll never gonna make it. May God bless me and give me strength on Sunday.

As I have mentioned, tomorrow will be D-day. So will Sunday.

2010-07-18T11:21:00.002+08:00

18th July 2009
No, I did not typed the wrong date. Well well, what can I say? Time flies. It's been a year since we attended the festival, the day we shared a memory so meaningful and priceless. Since that, we've matured in just 12 months' time. From a humble beginning to becoming madly in love with each other. From a smooth journey to a rough and bumpy ride, we have indeed gone through a lot of hardships. But, along the way, we created memories together, sweet or not, when it's with you, it's all worthwhile. I thank you for always being there for me honey, you never seem to wanna give up on me. You were there when I needed someone to lean on, when I needed a shoulder to cry, when I needed a hand to help me stand up. You shower me with all your love since then, and I hope I too, can you that, for love is what brought us together.

Is this goodbye then?

2010-07-17T08:50:00.003+08:00

"Friends walk in and out of our hearts, but only true friends leave their footprints"

As you may know, in just a few months' time, you have changed into someone whom I do not know. If friends walk in and out of our hearts, then, I'm going to miss you. I barely know you anymore, it's like you and I are total strangers. Yes, we all have to grow up someday. We all have wake up and chase after what we want someday, it's just sooner or later. But, does changing who we are involved? Maybe it does, I don't know. All I know, is that I don't know you anymore. Maybe it's my fault, I don't know. But truth as I say, I really am going to miss you. All the memories and all the fun we had all these years. All the secrets we shared and all the help you gave me when I needed someone, I'll never forget those. May God bless you and I hope everyone will become a better person.

Truth or Lies?

2010-06-30T20:22:00.001+08:00

Here's the fact that I have learned to accept, life, as it seemed, is never truly fair. No matter how much justice is done, things will still remain unfair. If a person is found guilty of raping someone, he is sentenced to death, or is canned. I don't think that will give the victim her virginity back will it? Therefore, like I said, life may seem to be fair, but the fact is, it never was and never will be.

Here's another fact I'd like to share. First impressions are vital, screw it and for the rest of your life you'll never be able to gain a person's trust. Why? Because people like so so much to judge the book by it's cover. They never even gave a chance to let a person prove themselves worthy. Instead, they jump to conclusions. Are they naive or simply are idiots? On a different note, most of us choose to believe based on what we are told, without even wanting to investigate the truth behind what we are told. What if it was not the truth? Are we going to be blinded by lies just because the person who tells us are so called 'friends'?

Thirdly, I have found the phrase, "people change" to be very true indeed. Within a year, so many people that I've once trusted turned their backs on me. Don't ask me why, because, truth is, I too wanna know why. They've changed, and when I say changed I meant 100% changed. I don't know them anymore. They've grown to be so hateful, so bossy, so ignorant, so arrogant, to sum it up, they've become assholes. I don't know, maybe they thought that with power, respect is gained. Well, guess what guys? You're all fucking wrong. Respect is gained, it's not something that you can have overnight. Because when you respect someone, without any hidden agendas, they will realize that. And in return, they respect you for who you truly are.

Besides the above mentioned, I now know why family and friends are important. And when I mentioned family and friends, I meant those who really understand you, not those who pretend to show their empathy and sympathy because they think it is their responsibility to do so. The more I grow up, the more I see with my own eyes, I'm beginning to feel that I am the black sheep. Loneliness is my greatest fear. Therefore, I'm the type of person who will never survive without a shoulder to lean on or an ear to listen to my whining. Maybe I'm unfaithful, but have they ever thought, after all those years of working so so hard, do I not deserve a break? But no, they've decided to love him more than me. Then so be it. I have no rights to tell them which is which, they should know better. I'm not asking for more love, all I want is for them to see the truth and not be blinded by acts and lies.

Freedom, is what every child wants. Some want it because they want to do crazy wild things. But me, I await the day when I can finally start spreading my wings and fly on my own. Yes it's gonna be a pain the ass, but, I'll have to face the harsh world outside, it's just the matter of time. I await the day when I can finally free myself from this mental torture. If this is what God gave me to test my patience, then dear God, I have survived. I plead to You to bless me and all whom I love.

Hell

2010-06-26T00:02:00.002+08:00

School just started for a week. Unfortunately, the signs were not showing good endings nor beginnings. Well I'm posting on one of those days when I wish time could just stop moving. It really is true that bitches exist. So does hypocrites and cheaters and liars.

Well guess what? I am not going to back down. Whatever shit you throw at me, I'll make sure I stand up and stare right into your eyes with pride and dignity. I refuse to be called a weakling, backing down and giving up to anything that blocks my path. I wanna be strong, and keep on getting stronger and I know it's not easy but I don't care. I REFUSE to back down.

2 weeks...Seemed like 2 days..

2010-06-20T20:39:00.002+08:00

After all the joys on the last day of the 1st semester which was Teachers' Day celebration, once again, the routine of school days continue.

Of course, without denial, the past two weeks have been wonderful and bitter sweet. Got to attend two very rare outings with Mr. Professor. Had fun during trainings when all the adults were not around. Don't even know what's there to make a big deal off, not as if we were tongue bathing each other in public. I have to admit, the previous Saturday was truly a miracle. ^^

And of course, sweet often comes with bitterness too. Well a lot of things have happened for the past two weeks. From staying up late at night to sleeping and snoozing like a pig, got to web cam more often with my one and only honey, had fun during training partially thanks to the coming tournament. Also, let my mind wonder into the negative field and the highlights of the fortnight is quarrelling with an idiot that blames other people for his own mistakes.

I won't waste my time typing off about what happened. Don't wanna get upset again, especially on the last day of holiday. I've also learned that throughout life, the ones that have been bullied, which are the survivors will live longer than the bullies. Yes it may be bitter, it may be painful, it may be hard to stand up again. But when you do, you'll come to realize that you're much stronger and will always be getting stronger.

With tomorrow as the start of another new semester, I can only hope that I will achieve my goals and won't give up to the hands of pressure that's getting bigger day by day. I can only hope that the bitches and fuckers, teachers or students don't come barging in to my life thinking they know everything. I can only hope too that everything will get better.

May God bless you all and have a good day.

2010-06-18T23:09:00.003+08:00

All I can say is, today is one of my worse days ever. Why?

Waited so long for a plate of wan tan mee for breakfast
Dragged the whole day doing nothing
Went to wash pictures but had to go 2nd time because the shop was not opened yet
Realized spare house keys were left at home
Got blamed for telling the truth
No uniform to wear instead borrowed from friend
Felt weird because I was the only one without complete uniform
Breaking training was not really good
Felt dumped
Arrived home to find out that mum fell asleep dad still working
Got accused for not knocking the door harder

There. A post.

2010-06-15T12:14:00.003+08:00

Been awhile since I've updated. Seen a whole lot of people changed to people I don't even recognise anymore. It's either me or them. I guess it's true that people change after a period of time. You either change with the flow or die trying. Seeing faces upon faces which have masks on them, it's a wonder I can still remember who's who. What happened to the once joyous and happy friends I had? Or is it just me? People have become more serious, take things more seriously than they usually do, and as though their acting mature.

I miss everyone, I really do. I miss those times when we'll sit down and gossip away, not paying attention in class, I miss those times when we would stick to each other no matter where we go, no matter what we did. I truly miss all of those. But, as much as I miss them, they'll always only remain as my memories.

Holidays was never always the bright side of life. It's either filled with continuous hang outs or staying at home and being bored to tears. Being alone, having nothing to think of, gives me the space for my mind to wonder. Wonder through fantasies, possibilities and situations that might or might not happen. It also allows me to be more emotional, being paranoid and thinking things which are not true.

Sometimes, I rather be occupied with work, so the mind does not wonder. But when I'm at school, there are so many bitches and problems to deal with. So instead, I shut them all out of my world. Being the person I always was, I am strictly afraid of loneliness. However, I feel that most of the time. Sure, I get along with certain people. Sure, I laugh my ass off with them. But, after all of that ends, I'm alone again. When I'm in trouble, not many lend their helping hands. If so, they were told to. Well, I don't need people like that. I can fend for myself.

Adios folks.

2010-05-26T21:31:00.002+08:00

Don't really know how or what to say now. If life's a test, then I'll accept it, if this is what I have to do in order to be stronger, so be it. Seems like it was just yesterday, the memories of all the fun and sweet stuff we'd done, yet, there's still those that we wished we do not have to go through again. After all, it's all those journeys that we've ventured together that have made us stronger.

Maybe I've changed, I don't know. Life's been like a hell hole lately, how the hell did we end up like this? How can a dream became a nightmarish hell? Loving someone was never something easy, it was never like hating someone, because it was the total opposite of it. Hating someone was so so much easier than the opposite. Because in order to love someone, you have to really have patience and ready for anything life throws at you, whether a suckish hell or whatever. Chances slipped through easily when we aren't alert, chances that will never come back. But someone once told me, something that have happened will somehow happen again.

God gave us the ability to love, is it a test or a gift? Or rather, is it both? If it's both, then it's a hell of a great task. People fail all the time, ending up in breakups and divorces. Unlike some, who loved each other till their very last breath, who would die for each other. Life was never easy since the day we were born, but it's always wonderful to know that we have an angel watching over us. Crying, was always either the best or worst medicine to cure or worsen the pain.

Well, whatever it is, I'm tired, I truly am. But then, that would mean I've given up on life eh? Well guess what, I'm not. I'm clinging on, and I don't care whatever hell it takes, you CLING on too, and someday somehow we'll get what we deserved all along....

Finally..

2010-05-21T19:40:00.003+08:00

Been awhile since I've updated. Apologies for being so lazy nowadays.

So, been a bit late to post but finally reached my 15th birthday, thank you to all who remembered this special day and for your wonderful gifts. For all of you whom feelings I've hurt, I'm really sorry for what I did. To my friends and my beloved darling, thank you so so much for always believing in me, thank you so much for always being there for me.

Third day of exams today, with two days left, there's little I can do to make myself feel better for studying at the eleventh hour. Promise myself I'll strive and do my best to get what's mine. Also, never going to study at the eleventh hour ever again.

And, last but not least, 23rd of May, comes a significant and special day for us. Been almost a year since I've gathered up my strength to tell you how I feel. I'll always remember those special moments we had together. Although the path set for us is tough and rough, I believe we'll somehow be able to live through it. ^^

2010-05-07T22:33:00.002+08:00

Beyonce - Save the Hero

I lay alone awake at night
Sorrow fills my eyes
But I’m not strong enough to cry
Despite of my disguise
I’m left with no shoulder
But everybody wants to lean on me.
I guess I’m their soldier.
Well, who’s gonna be mine

Who’s there to save the hero
When she’s left all alone
And she’s crying out for help.
Who’s there to save the hero
Who’s there to save the girl…
After she saves the world
After she saves the world.

I bottle all my hurt inside,
I guess I’m living a lie.
Inside my mind each day I die
What can bring me back to life?
A simple word, a gesture
Someone to say you’re beautiful
Come find this buried treasure
Rainbows lead to a pot of gold.

Who’s there to save the hero
When she’s left all alone
And she’s crying out for help
Who’s there to save the hero
Who’s there to save the girl
After she saves the world…
After she saves the world.

I’ve given too much of myself
And now it’s driving me crazy
(I’m crying out for help?
Sometimes I wish someone would
Just come here and save me…
Save me from myself

Who’s there to save the hero
When she’s left all alone
And she’s crying out for help
Who’s there to save the hero
Who’s there to save the girl
After she saves the world…
After she saves the world.

Adam Lambert - No Boundaries

Ohh
Seconds hours so many days
You know what you want but how long can you wait
Every moment lasts forever
When you feel you've lost your way
What if my chances were already gone
I started believing that I could be wrong
But you gave me one good reason
To fight and never walk away
So here I am still holding on

With every step you climb another mountain
Every breath it's harder to believe
You'll make it through the pain
Weather the hurricanes
To get to that one thing
Just when you think the road is going no where
Just when you almost gave up all your dreams
They take you by the hand and show you that you can
There are no boundaries
There are no boundaries

I fought to the limit you stand on the edge
What if today is as good as it gets
Don't know where the future's headed
Nothing's gonna bring me down
Jumped every bridge I've run every line
I risk being safe, I always knew why
I always knew why
So here I am still holding on

With every step you climb another mountain
Every breath it's harder to believe
You'll make it through the pain
Weather the hurricanes
To get to that one thing
Just when you think the road is going no where
Just when you almost gave up all your dreams
They take you by the hand and show you that you can

You can go higher
You can go deeper
There are no boundaries
Above and beneath you
Break every rule cause there's nothing between you and your dreams

With every step you climb another mountain
Every breath it's harder to believe
You'll make it through the pain
Weather the hurricanes
To get to that one thing
Just when you think the road is going no where
Just when you almost gave up all your dreams
They take you by the hand and show you that you can
There are no boundaries
There are no boundaries
There are no boundaries
No boundaries
Yeah, there are no boundaries

Prefects or Perfect?

2010-05-06T20:41:00.002+08:00

Today was the vise versa of yesterday. Instead of getting another funny and active lecturer, we got a boring, sarcastic lecturer for English subject today. Common sense, as humans, as STUDENTS, we began to talk when we're boring to entertain ourselves. So we were talking among each other, mind you it was talking NOT shouting or anything, out of the blue, she approached us and said, "Prefects should not talk! I'm going to report the three of you!" and glared at us as if we just commited a crime so bad we should be sentenced to death. NOT.

Mind you, even thought we're P-R-E-F-E-C-T-S we're not P-E-R-F-E-C-T. So live with it, we're teenagers, we're still learning to cope with life. So we talked, big deal, if you were in our shoes, I'll bet you'll do the exact same thing.

Ever since I became a prefect, life's been a whole lot of hell. Everywhere or anything I do, here and there I hear "You as a prefect must not do this and must do this" or "You are a prefect and you are like this". What's wrong with me? I'm a teenager, fresh and new, here to learn new things and NOT get scolded at.

What's your problem with me eh? You want a fight? I'll give you a fight if you want one. Just because I'm a prefect, I have to be a robot? A damn fucking robot?

If it's going to be that way, then, that's it.

I QUIT.

2010-05-05T23:24:00.002+08:00

Time has indeed flew so fast, faster than lightning maybe. In a blink of an eye, it's May already, and exams is in two weeks time.

Okay I'll cut the crap and get to what I wanna say.

OUR HEROINE OF THE DAY:
WAI YAN /PANDA/AMANDA/BEN 10!!!
SHE DISCOVERED THE STOLEN MOBILE PHONE ALL BY HERSELF! SO PROUD OF YOU BEN 10! A TRUE DETECTIVE!

NEXT, IS MR. SHIVA!
THE BEST LECTURER I'VE EVER MET! TOTALLY HILARIOUS, EXTREMELY TALL AND FUNNY! THANK YOU MR. SHIVA FOR MAKING US NOT HATE HISTORY AND SAY IT'S BORING! (although it's still kind of to me XD)

So yeah! That's the highlights of the events today. For those sad things that happened, I'll just forget it.

Adios and have a nice day ^^

2010-04-30T22:28:00.002+08:00

No better way than to start a post with hi folks! Well, life's been what it always is, ups and downs here and there.

Hatred with people too, though, I've promised myself not to hate anyone because it is not good. I mean, that particular person do not even know you hate them, and there you are, thinking of the hatred all day long while they go on with their lives peacefully. It's so not worth it right?

Finally reached the 11th month of our relationship. I won't deny, there were times when we almost called it off, but, thank God and the love we have for each other which is deeper than the ocean, we survived. Going through all the ups and downs together, I truly appreciate what you have done for me. I still can't believe back when we were paired for demo, I hated you, and now, I can't live without you. I thank God for giving me you when I was at rock bottom. May we be together, now and forever. I love you sweetheart. ^^

Well, had dinner at Tao just now, really great place with great food and everyone was so friendly! Except for a few people whom I do not like. Spent the whole night eating lamb terriyaki and scallops! Once again, thanks so much to mum & dad and their friends! Love you guys!

2010-04-21T20:53:00.002+08:00

School's been hectic today, with the spot check on Forms 1-3. First time skipping lessons the whole day, kinda weird though. Too bad Pn. Soon taught Chapter 4 while me & Dianah was out. Ah well, it's all fated.

Had a crazy time chatting & gossiping with the two crazy HP and DHP, none other than, Miss Coconut Shell and Mrs. Crabs! Kept laughing like crazy people at the Government House while recording down the confiscated stuff!

Kept forgetting today was Wednesday instead kept thinking today is Thursday. Maybe that's 'coz Friday is a special day ^^

Liar or actor?

2010-04-18T21:53:00.002+08:00

People often say being ourselves is the best, because it's when we are becoming ourselves that we're comfortable. Well, that's me then. Somehow I don't like to act in front of anyone, even myself. If I feel like shouting then I shout, if I feel like crying I cry. That's me.
However, is that the best way to present myself to a first impression? But, is it a wise choice to be someone that you're not? Do the things you're not comfortable with? Being that someone you are definately not, just so to impress everybody, what's the feeling like? I often see girls behaving, well, being girly. I don't wanna mention names but I know some people will know who I'm mentioning. Yes, no denying that they're pretty, gentle, fragile and is loved by all who sets their eyes on them.
Truth is, I never thought of myself like one of them, I used to dream to be like one of them, pretty on the outside, loved by everyone, being so gentle. But, that's just not who I am.
I'm rough, and not pretty like them. But I'm sure I have some qualities they don't. After all, I don't believe in beauty on the outside.
Well, that's what I think at least.

2010-04-14T21:58:00.002+08:00

One last chance that's all I need. 'Coz once I miss it..Then that's it..I shall quit..And be a burden no more..

Mistakes..

2010-04-10T19:10:00.003+08:00

We learn from mistakes. That's what I kept saying, either to myself or my friends, or my loved ones. What if? What if we never learn? What if every mistake I've done comes with a price? What if every mistake I make means hurting someone? Will that still be considered as a mistake?

Is it true that God created each one of us because of a purpose? If it's true, then what's mine? Maybe I already knew, since that name given to me says it all. I've always been digging my own grave, making big mistakes although knowing it's wrong and regretting it afterward. Will I ever learn?

Peace folks..

2010-04-02T23:18:00.002+08:00

How should I start this?

People. That's what I'm gonna say about in this post. To be clearer, it's human behavior. Well, maybe more than that but, that's the basic thing I wanna talk about.

People often tell me, life is always unfair or there are no such thing as good deeds without hidden agendas. I now believed them, little by little. Reality IS ugly.

However, is there no other way to solve problems or misunderstandings? Must we all war against each other? Well, whatever it is, humans were created to care for the planet, not to miss out the environment. Unfortunately, almost everyone on this planet, named human, can be blinded by greed. An example? Those people who hunt for sharks and cut off the fins and then, throws the sharks back into the sea, letting them await their slow and painful death. What would it feel like if your hands were to chopped off and then you were left alone?

Another example, polar bears, tigers, anteater, elephants and so many other creatures that was created by Him. What do we humans do? We kill them, instead of showering them with love and care.

So, life is unfair. We humans make our own lives miserable. Is this what He created us for?

2010-04-01T22:01:00.002+08:00

After all I've done, I can't even take a break from all this shit and crap? So I get a B, you think I ain't sad? That's like the first time ever I get a fucking 66% in BM. Do you think I'm glad? I worked so hard, and what do I get? "Play la, play some more and see what will you get? Play la"

I worked hard for what I want okay? I don't fucking care if you talk bad about me, I know what I want. I know how to achieve it. Yes, I'm stubborn. But at least I know what are dreams and have them. Dreams exist to let us know that nothing is impossible. Imagine one fine day you come back from work, so tired and you just slam your body on the sofa. Dreams exist then, brings you away from the tiring and awful reality, and into the clouds. Although they don't do much to help, but still, at least they help in releasing stress and make you a happier person.

2010-03-25T19:13:00.002+08:00

Why can't each day pass without any worries and troubles? Maybe it's me, being naive as always and never growing up and becoming mature. I get mad for no rational reason, say words impulsively without thinking twice. Why can't I just shut up? I don't know.

I'm sorry..I really am

2010-03-23T16:23:00.001+08:00

I'm not the only one who's violating the rules you know asshole? Besides, it's barely a proper word. I ain't gonna waste my time for you bitch. If you wanna torture me, then bring it on. And one more thing, go fuck yourself motherfucker. Asshole bitch motherfucker fucking fucktard.

Have I changed?

2010-03-22T21:58:00.004+08:00

"Hey his here. Why is he even here when there's only like 15 minutes before training ends?" " You can punch me 10 times but you won't be able to withstand one of mine."

Yes, this was what I heard shortly before training ends. Somehow, it set me off, I got mad, for some reasons, I just don't know. Lately, I feel as though things have changed. It's as though we were from different planets.

You say that you made me changed. But what if it's not you but me? Have I truly changed? If I have, am I still who I used to be? I don't know. Somehow, I can't communicate with them anymore. Every little thing they say that meant only jokes to them lights up my anger. Perhaps I've become more hotheaded than usual? I don't know. I seriously don't know.

Can anyone tell me?

Is this what reality is?

2010-03-19T22:32:00.003+08:00

I thought my days was finally getting better, I thought they were starting to leave me alone, but, I was wrong. I was beyond glad that one of the 'guardians' was finally gone, leaving me with only two. But, all of a sudden, she came back tonight. Why must she? To spy on me again? Is it fun? Spying on other people when it's none of your business, telling it to someone else then making that someone reach rock bottom. Why must you people do this to me? All I ask for was a little freedom, is it that hard? I agree I have agreed with what you people said when I was younger, but I grew up, and I know what I'm doing. Can't you all just give me a chance to prove to you people that I can manage my own life? Is it so hard to accept the fact that I have grown up and want to start being independent? Maybe I'm not a mother and I don't understand what you people feel, but, don't we all have to let go of our kids when their growing up even if it's the hardest thing to do? This life, is filled with so many amazing things that's waiting to be discovered, why can't you give me a chance to discover it? I'm strong, I know how to stand up if I fall, I want to fly with my own wings, take risks and just have fun. Is it that hard for you people to understand?

I can still recall how amazing it was to feel like a new born champion. The cheers, the compliments, the respect, yes, all of that is amazing isn't it? Youth seems so fun, I was young and naive then, following all your orders, listening to every single thing you asked me to do. Then I got better, and everything just changed. People wanted better performance, the pressure starts getting higher, and I fell. I admit, I've changed a lot. But, that's because I know what's worth and what's not worth sacrificing, or maybe I just gotten softer day by day. I gave up, and passion slowly turned into burden. I tried to stand up and fight back, but I can't, I failed. I couldn't find that passion anywhere in my heart, nor my soul. But now that I know what's more important in my life, I started having a different thinking than you, and you guys thought of it as a rebel. I don't mind, I seriously don't, my heart has been so sad for so long that it started to get hard. The place I once called my paradise, was a living hell now. Is it me? Or is it you?

Why do I feel uncertain? I don't know who can I trust anymore. Lately, the people whom I trust turned their back on me and showed their true selves. Is this reality? If it is, then I'll accept the challenges with patience and strength. I've grown tired of crying, it does nothing but turning me into a frog-eyed human. Why does things start getting uglier as I grow up? Maybe reality is not as easy as I imagined. People whom you trust show their true selves, decisions had to be made, and rules have to be strictly followed and obeyed. What happened to having fun? Taking risks once in a blue moon? I've indeed changed. I used to be like a doll, allowing you to control me with the strings attached on me. But now that I'm growing up, I learned to make my own decisions. Can I or can I not fly with my own wings? Why can't you accept that I've grown up? And you, why must you always threatened me with the secret I expect you to keep? Why? Why must people be so ugly? Is this the true form of humanity?

Hangout at Gurney

2010-03-16T18:58:00.003+08:00

Today will certainly be one of the memorable days in my life. Finally, I mean it people, FINALLY, we get to go out together (Vanessa, Phooi Yuee, Fionne, Xin Yi, Carmen and Eileen). Watched Alice in Wonderland together. Hope in future it'll be more exciting.

FUCK!

2010-03-13T20:39:00.003+08:00

I don't care if you guys wanna talk bad bout me, I seriously don't fucking care about all that now. Right now, this moment, anger and rage is all I have.

YOU'RE SUCH A RETARD YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT'S LOVE. YOU USED ME. YOU USED ME LIKE A RAGGED DOLL, TO SATISFY YOURSELF. AND LEFT ME WITH THIS TRAUMA, IF THAT'S WHAT YOU CALL LOVE, THEN YOU CAN GO FUCK YOURSELF! DON'T BE ALL GOODY TWO SHOES WITH ME WHEN THE TRUTH IS YOU'RE TREATING ME LIKE A DOG, A FUCKING DOG ON A FUCKING LEASH.
THEN, WHEN I THOUGHT I COULD TRUST YOU, INSTEAD YOU TURNED YOUR BACK ON ME AND THREATENED ME WITH IT. YOU THINK YOU COULD MAKE ME BOW TO YOU AND BEG YOU LIKE A PEASANT WHEN YOU DO THAT?! THEN LET ME TELL YOU THIS, EVERY WORD THAT COMES OUT FROM YOUR FUCKING MOUTH, I'M LEARNING. LEARNING NOT TO TRUST YOU, EVER AGAIN. AND I'M GETTING STRONGER, DAY BY DAY. AND ONE DAY, YOU CAN TELL EVERYONE WHAT YOU FUCKING WANT TO.
I CAN'T TRUST YOU ANYWAY. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY DID I RISK THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN MY LIFE, I'M SUCH A BITCH.
AND YOU THINK YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE WHO HAVE FEELINGS? WELL YOU DON'T NEED THEM ANYWAY. WHEN YOU SAID HIS A FUCKTARD, WELL GUESS WHAT? YOU. ARE. EXACTLY. LIKE. HIM. SO DON'T EXPECT ME TO SIDE YOU ANYMORE. I'M A HUMAN TOO, I GET TIRED AFTER SOMETIME.

AND TO YOU PEOPLE WHO THINK YOU CAN PUSH ME AROUND, THINK AGAIN. I AIN'T A ROBOT WITH A CHIP IN MY FUCKING BRAIN. SOMETIMES I NEED SPACE TOO. SOMETIMES, I NEED TO TAKE A BREAK FROM ALL THIS SHIT!

Camp '10

2010-03-13T18:04:00.003+08:00

So today was the combined camp of all the four boards, Prefects, Monitors, Break Monitors as well as Librarians. It was kind of boring actually, but the best part was the closing event when everyone shake their butts off dancing chicken dance!

The speaker, well she was okay, although she was quite boring and some of the games don't really make sense. Well the best game was passing the ball in diagonal and makes sure everyone got the ball. We got a record of 4 seconds in a group of 18 people!

Did a lot of coloring and drawing, kind of have an adrenaline to paint now thanks to today's camp. To sum it up, it was okay.

Some of the painting results, I know it sucks..XD

2010-03-12T22:55:00.002+08:00

First thing's first, EXAMS ARE OVER PEOPLE! HAPPY HOLIDAYS! HO! HO! HO!

Okay, back to reality. So tonight was training as usual, and, believe me, it was my first time getting mad at Sir Yaw. It wasn't very pleasant though, ranted to Shirley and Kor, practically pissed Kor off I guess, cause he was saying trying to make a point and I was ranting along. Well, most of you who knows me well knows how I'm like when I'm mad.

So yeah, training continues, and discovered something very sad, which might or might not be true. If it's true, there's a possibility I'm gonna end my life, once and for all, if it's not true, then it'll be the greatest news to me.

Sick and Tired

2010-03-05T22:45:00.002+08:00

Hi folks, so, today's post shall be about another problem I've discovered due to my thinking-too-much attitude. As most of you guys know, I sprained my ankle during training two weeks ago before Chinese New Year, therefore, it is VERY obvious that I cannot train.

I do agree that I'm always having injuries, but hey, I can't stop accidents from happening to me can I? Anyway, back to tonight at the training, so I was sitting down as usual, and some seniors came to ask what happened to me. So I told them I sprained my ankle and bla bla bla. Guess what they said? They actually jumped to the conclusion that I'm trying to avoid training by saying I'm injured! What the hell?! Just because I don't train, I still came to the training to watch and sit down! You people think its comfortable sitting down doing nothing?!

So, I don't care, if that's what you people want, then fine! I'm going to training next week, satisfied?! Then if I'm injured again, you people be the witnesses! Cause I'm sick and tired of explaining to people who don't care, friend of foe.

Choir = More Pressure

2010-03-04T22:07:00.002+08:00

As usual, had choir practice again today. As you all know, I'm in metzo soprano, which is higher than my beloved alto. Knowing my own talents, which are almost close to zero, I forgot the melody of my parts, therefore I just sang and the result, it was hell. Don't even know why I can be chosen into this group that are 99.9% filled with talented seniors and all. Being in that group, not only did I get glares when I go out of tune, the pressure is amazing. I shall hope one day I'll go back to my beloved alto as I belong there, with my shit voice. No offence, alto is amazing.

Hope..

2010-03-02T22:17:00.004+08:00

Time, what a precious thing, it is very useful, to determine fate, and to heal sorrows. Although, why do I feel as though we're drifting apart further away from each other day by day? It feels like forever since the last time we were happy together. Maybe it's just an illusion due to my paranoia, but, that's what I thought. Either way, I still want to hold on and fight till our last breath, to not bend down to those "guardians" and to be together, till the end of our lives.

"Never Gonna Be Alone"

[Verse 1]
Time, is going by, so much faster than I,And I'm starting to regret not spending all of it with you.
Now I'm, wondering why, I've kept this bottled inside,
So I'm starting to regret not telling all of this to you.
So if I haven't yet, I've gotta let you know...

[Chorus]
Never gonna be alone!
From this moment on, if you ever feel like letting go,
I won't let you fall...
Never gonna be alone!
I'll hold you 'til the hurt is gone.

[Verse 2]
And now, as long as I can, I'm holding on with both hands,
'Cause forever I believe that there's nothing I could need but you,
So if I haven't yet, I've gotta let you know...

[Chorus]
Never gonna be alone!
From this moment on, if you ever feel like letting go,
I won't let you fall.
When all hope is gone, I know that you can carry on.
We're gonna see the world out,
I'll hold you 'til the hurt is gone.

[Verse 3]
Oh!
You've gotta live every single day,
Like it's the only one, what if tomorrow never comes?
Don't let it slip away,
Could be our only one, you know it's only just begun.
Every single day,
Maybe our only one, what if tomorrow never comes?
Tomorrow never comes...

[Verse 4]
Time, is going by, so much faster than I,
And I'm starting to regret not telling all of this to you.
So if I haven't yet, I've gotta let you know...

[Chorus]
Never gonna be alone!
From this moment on, if you ever feel like letting go,
I won't let you fall.
When all hope is gone, I know that you can carry on.
We're gonna see the world out,
I'll hold you 'til the hurt is gone.

I'm gonna be there always,
I won't be missing one more day,
I'm gonna be there always,
I won't be missing one more day.

2010-02-28T20:23:00.002+08:00

Finally watch Darren Shan, which was called Cirque du Freak:The Vampire's Assistant. Quite a disappointment I must say, though the storyline was not bad. Darren and Evra was not how I imagined they would be, so was Larten. The movie in my opinion gives me the feeling that they're rushing on finishing it and for those who have read all the books will indeed know that they sped up and kind of mixed all the books together. So yeah that's about it.

2010-02-28T10:09:00.000+08:00

Hi folks, so, today, 28th February, is the last day of the CNY celebrations. Sigh, time does fly when your having fun eh?

Peace folks..

2010-02-27T20:59:00.003+08:00

Have you guys ever met someone who has pure stupidity? Well, I have, and those of you who know me well, should know who I'm talking about. Well, I wouldn't say his a SOMEONE, but with his big mouth, he can say whatever crap and make people believe it's true. I think people would believe him even if he said the Earth is square and not sphere. I don't know how he can do it, but, one funny thing, ask him to order something and he'll start shaking like a leaf.

Thinks he's the King of the World, he makes empty promises and never fulfilled them. I've learned not to trust him, and that was after the biggest mistake I've ever done, entrusting him with the most important issue of my life. Not only did he showed he was a complete idiotic not-to-be-trusted person, he also threatened me with that particular issue.

I'm not being cruel here, I'm just pissed off that he made me trusted him and I was so stupid and dumb to have believed that he had change. How can he ever changed? I wished I can turn back the clock but it's too late now, so all I can do is pray to God that I get a scholarship and can move out to further my studies. Most important of all, with all my heart I pray that my family will soon accept a new member, that way, he won't have any bullshit to talk about anymore.

Adios.

Weirdo

2010-02-27T12:12:00.002+08:00

I've always learnt things the hard way. And last night was another example. Cursing non-stop, I got a heck of a nag from someone who never scolded me before. Screwed me upside down XD.
And I learn, haha.

I'm weird @@

2010-02-26T21:45:00.002+08:00

Once again, I've witnessed the ugly side of humanity. And we wonder why God almighty is angry with mankind. And we wonder why the world is ending when there's so many low lives throwing rubbish everywhere they want. So what if their old ladies? Just because their old they can do anything they want? Sigh, people nowadays...

2010-02-26T18:13:00.002+08:00

Be Aware, Care, and Share. That's the motto of Colistrians. Before I go any further, I meant no offence to anyone.

People once told me, you can't care for everyone. But what if I Want to care for everyone? After a few experiences, I have come to realize that being a psychologist is not an easy job. For example, finding myself speechless frequently when I am questioned about problems. Wanting to know or help to solve other people's problems is not as easy as I thought it would be. Well, who cares? I still want to help people as much as I can. Another matter is that I'm a hothead, most people who know me would believe this.

Turning this world into a peaceful one was my dream, with trees everywhere and animals not becoming endangered, and most importantly, let some of the many dickheads know that fighting ain't the only way to solve problems. I'm kind of sure it'll only remain a dream, but, no harm trying right?

A history!

2010-02-25T20:41:00.002+08:00

I almost forgot to mention!

Our madam, Pui Yee, was BLUR today people! Woo hoo!

2010-02-25T20:05:00.002+08:00

Hi people, so tomorrow is a holiday, again. Well, basically, I'll be doing my homework, too lazy to finish it up today. Then, two weeks later, it's Ujian 1. Fast right?

Anyway, went to training last night, finally! Kind of felt awkward as it's been awhile since it stopped. So yeah, sat down watching people train their ass off, too lazy to do anything with my hands. Besides, I can't do stuff when people are watching, so, sorry. Saw the guardians again though, with their evil glares.

Just hope this year will not be hell, again.

Two words. Fuck. Off.

2010-02-22T21:26:00.003+08:00

Once again, I've been forced to miss it because of some people who are selfish enough to not care about other people's feelings. You people say you're tired? So that's it? You think you can just solve the whole thing by just opening your mouth and say, " I'm tired" and lie down, close your eyes and drift off to dream land? Not to me pal, no no.

I don't get it. If you people don't like it so much, why involve yourselves in the first place? Why say that you're interested in the first place? When the truth is that all you wanted was to show off that you're something, or whatever it is you guys have in your airheads brains. Then, what about me? I'm to be dumped? To be ignored? And then later you people come talking nice to me, expecting me to understand you people. You guys think it's easy to do that? Hell no!

Whatever my reasons are to attend it, I still want to attend it. Unlike you people, just because some people talks shit, you just decide the easiest way was to quit. So you guys just think you can stand up, sweep the shit off your fucking asses and walk away? What are you? Wimps?

If that's the case, I'm not going to force you people anymore. It's a waste of time and effort, and my saliva. I'll just have to wait till I'm 17 and get my license. Then, you can fuck off all you want with your big asses.

But for now, I'll just shut up. Just don't ever think of pushing my patience further, or else, better be ready when it explodes. I'm like a ragged doll, being thrown away after I have no use. I've worked hard for myself, and I'll keep holding on. Threatened all you want, say whatever your fucking mouth wants you to, if you're so damn smart, then don't ever come begging for my help. I'm sick of your stupid fucking puppy-eyes and countless acting you hypocrite.

2010-02-22T20:36:00.003+08:00

Last night was the 8th day of Chinese New Year, which to the Taoist was the day for praying and of course, firecrackers! This year was by far the most noisest night! Though to my grandma, it's music to the ears. Well, it was fun. Ended up sleeping at 2 am and waking up at 5 am. Went to school being a blur head XD

Is it that important?

2010-02-21T16:31:00.002+08:00

Like I mention in the title above, I'm referring to alcohol, yep people, alcohol. Some of us finds it a must to take it, may it be entertainment or business purpose. Maybe I have no right to have my say in this, but to me, it's not really a big deal.
So what if I don't take alcohol? So sue me? After all, I have seen a lot of the ugly sides of taking alcohol. I don't understand why alcohol is so important, I seriously really don't. Like recently, I'm not mentioning names. I can't describe how disgusted I was, to see alcohol being drank. Well, not exactly disgusted, but I would say it's not my cup of tea.
So, if I'll grow up drinking alcohol, then I'll shut up about this topic. But, if I don't, I'll make sure it won't be one of the factors pulling me down to my journey of success. After all, there are so many ways to achieve success.

2010-02-20T13:19:00.002+08:00

Last night wasn't what i thought would happen...Well, at least it was fun.

Aunt Mei picked us up at 6.45p.m. Went to Hard Rock to have dinner. On the way, Aunt Mei said a bunch of cars will be going to Holiday Inn, the guys got over excited. Luck was on our side as we saw a few Lamborghini speeding through and knew they were there already. When we passed Holiday Inn, it was wow! There were Lamborghini, Ferrari and a few BMW. Headed to Hard Rock at first, it was awesome! The pool was cool...Had the best pizza I've ever tasted, been awhile since I've enjoyed food. Dumped dinner and hit to the beach after that to play the firecrackers Aunt Mei bought. It cost her 75bucks! Then lay down on the beach for awhile, watching the stars glowing eased my mind of worries, with the cool sea breeze, I could be there the whole night and do nothing. After that, stopped by at Holiday Inn and believe me, the guys went cuckoo over the cars! Waited for them to take photos of every inch of the cars I bet, and then we headed to a shop.
And that was the time I've dreaded. I felt like an idiot, watching others having fun and me sitting like a dummy, I don't know, maybe I was just being sensitive but if I was given a choice, I'd rather be in a lounge listening to the live band, singing or playing jazz music. Well, everyone has their flaws right?
Ah well, overall, thanks to Aunt Mei and all of those who were there, I had a great time last night letting down my hair.
Adios!

2010-02-15T15:28:00.003+08:00

Just watched the movie 14 blades, not bad though. Most exciting of all, Wu Chun's in it! But he died! In the movie of course...how sad...TT.TT

Anyway, there were 4 or 5 guys sitting behind us and before the movie started there was the trailer of Clash of the Titans. Guess what the guys behind said? One said it was Titanic! then another one said Clash of Tee-tans! Me and dad laughed like hell! Bet they didn't knew what we were laughing for!

Happy Chinese New Year!

2010-02-14T00:13:00.002+08:00

Happy Chinese New Year folks! As we all know, this year is the year of the Tiger which according to some people, is very fierce this year. May everyone of you be healthy always!

Steamboat just now during reunion dinner ^.^

2010-02-13T17:37:00.001+08:00

Listening to the new version We Are The World sung for to help the Haiti people. I must say, it's quite nice

I'm not weird

2010-02-11T21:10:00.003+08:00

"Oh my God! Are you reading? Are you really reading that?". "Hey, what are you so busy reading? *gaps*".

Yes, these are a few comments I get whenever I bury my head into Malay novels. Just today at choir practice, a few seniors said I was crazy for reading those novels. Well to me, Malay or English, they're still entertainment. They told me they'll fall asleep reading one of those.

Malay love novels are very interesting to read, I'm not saying I want to be a Malay here, but the way they accept they're fate is very touching, so are the story lines. I personally do not feel weird for reading Malay novels. Why do people think I'm crazy I have no idea. These are a few of the novels I have finished reading.

I don't know about you people, but reading Malay novels can be very addictive, brings me to the fantasy world and relieves tension. So, it's not boring to me. Am I weird or not, you people tell me.

Wednesdays...

2010-02-10T22:32:00.002+08:00

Wednesday, most of these days were never good for me. First of all, it's like it's fated or something that we get tons of homework particularly on Wednesdays, not to mention, staying back. Then, came back so tired, gotta go to training, and let me tell you people, Wednesdays training is NOT easy.
Unfortunately, I sprained my ankle and now it's swollen and it's twice the size of my normal ankle. Lucky thing was, Johnson seemed to be in a good mood today, so I got to rest, and talked with my girls, and guys, well that sounded kind of wrong. Let's just summarize it to my buddies. Got to sit so close, with no guardians around, I must say, good things DO come when you wait, so appreciate it when they come and don't EVER hesitate.
Lastly, thank God for blessing me with two miracles in a week, and I won't push my luck again. Thanks to my girls who helped me with my retarded swollen leg ^^.

Happy Chinese New Year people!

2010-02-09T21:28:00.003+08:00

Hatinya sayu, memikirkan takdirnya yang ditentukan,
Di fikirannya, terlintas semua memori manis yang telah berlaku,
yang akan kekal di dalam hatinya sehingga dia menghembuskan nafas terakhir.

Hujan turun renyai-renyai,
Bagai mengiringi tangisannya yang pilu,
Siapakah yang memahami betapa pedih penderitaannya pada masa itu?
Andai itu takdirnya,
Namun, dia percayai bahawa nasibnya di tangannya sendiri.

Cabaran yang ditempuhinya selama ini,
Akan dia kuatkan semangatnya,
Akan dia cuba dengan sedaya upaya,
Agar tidak kalah dan jatuh....

Don't know...

2010-02-09T20:41:00.002+08:00

Don't know why, I feel a feeling of uneasiness surrounding me. I feel the stares of disagreement of other people, boring into my back as though I am blind, though I see and feel it. Don't know why, feels like we ain't who we were anymore, like there's a gap between us, growing day by day, making it's way till its big enough to separate us. As hard as I try, as hard as I try to reach you, the gap gets bigger by every step I take. Suffocating me with the callous comments, said behind my back. Don't know why, I don't feel what we have like we did anymore. The horror, comes haunting me, with those thoughts, whenever I see you, it haunts me, like it was forbidding.
I don't know anymore...

!

2010-02-07T22:48:00.003+08:00

RM10

Flavor : Vanilla

School a.k.a Hell

2010-02-05T23:26:00.003+08:00

School was always supposed to be students' second home. A place for education, a place for making new friends and also a place to enjoy ourselves. Unfortunately, all these seems to be disappearing as time goes further and as I'm growing up.

I still remembered kindergarden, the first time I stepped into my school, so eager and anticipating to make new friends. It was the most memorable two years there. Then it was primary, making new friends and making a stronger bond with old friends. Discovering myself, being a prefect, all these was fun but there are times that were hard.

Then, came secondary, still in the same school. Form Two, at the end of the semester, prefects' came into APD 1 to asked if anyone was interested to be a prefect. Votes were taken, and I was one of them who got chosen. I was between two decisions then, to be or not to be. I remembered vividly when I first entered secondary and said to myself I would spend the last 5 years of school as a normal student, for once. But I wanted the credits, see what you get when you're greedy?

So, I took the offer. Probation was fun, and when we were inaugurated, it was just the tip of the iceberg. The moment we said the oath, we had to fulfill it. But I did not sign up for all the shit that woman set up.

Enough with the pressure from every teacher who expects us, 3 Ungu to get straight As for PMR, enough with the pressure from 'people' who wants perfection and good results although they do not show it. But no, that woman just had to make our lives more miserable and devastating.

As if we prefects do not have enough pressure, she came up with new rules, with her new style. I do agree we prefects are the mirror of the school, the role models of the school that upholds the name of the school. But, that does not in any way to me, means we have to be perfect, as it is impossible.

I don't know what other prefects think but to me, I deeply regret for joining the board, no offence to anyone. I've always thought it was fun and challenging, but I was wrong. I've gotten myself into more trouble and pressure that I can ever imagined.

I could shed as many tears as I want, curse as much as I want. I can't change the fact that I'm a prefect and is suppose to be upholding the school's name. I can't, like everyone else put on a mask and be who I'm not. I can't be as disciplined as the others, I've always been the odd one out.

So, I'll just have to endure it then. But sooner or later, I shall resign.

abysmal

2010-01-30T22:50:00.002+08:00

I've been monopolized people. By what you may ask? Before I continue, I apologized in advance on the harsh words I'm gonna use.

Ok,let's start again.

I've been monopolized. Fucking monopolized. AND I DO NOT LIKE THAT. IT'S MINE NOT YOURS FUCKING IDIOT! MINE! DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND ENGLISH? CAN'T YOU FUCKING OPEN YOUR MOUTH AND ASK FOR MY PERMISSION BEFORE YOU SAVE ANYTHING? CAN'T YOU?! WHAT'S INSIDE YOUR FUCKING BIG MOUTH? GOLD THAT YOU STOLE?

THE NETBOOK IS FUCKING MINE. AND I DO NOT MEAN TO BE SELFISH, BUT WHY CAN'T I HAVE MY OWN PRIVACY? FIRST, I TRUSTED YOU AND HOW DID U FUCKING REPAY ME? BY THREATENING TO EXPOSE ME! IS THAT THE WAY A BROTHER WOULD REPAY HIS SISTER? I FUCKING DON'T THINK SO.

YOU SUCK. YOU MESSED UP MY LIFE. WHENEVER YOU WANT THINGS FROM ME, YOU ACT ALL ANGELIC WITH YOUR FUCKING PUPPY EYES. WELL YOUR NOT! YOU STINKING ABYSMAL!

I'LL SURVIVE ON MY OWN, AND I'LL STAND ON MY GROUND. I DON'T NEED YOU IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT. I'LL DISAPPEAR FROM YOUR SIGHT, WHEN I HAVE THE CHANCE, I'M GONNA FUCKING TAKE IT.

IF YOU WANT A FIGHT, I'LL GIVE YOU ONE. I'M SICK OF BEING ALL PITIFUL AND SYMPATHETIC TO U AND NOT GET ANYTHING BACK. I'M SICK OF IT.

Doesn't mean I don't do what you want meant I don't love you. I do, in my own way

2010-01-30T00:21:00.000+08:00

Mission Impossible!

2010-01-29T21:50:00.002+08:00

Good evening my fellow readers. How are you all doing? Life's been really hectic nowadays in my world. Firstly, today was one of those days that everything seems to be in a blur, the whole day...

And guess what people? Miss Soorya wore a saree! Probably and because it's Thaipusam. As you people realized, I called her by her PROPER name. Well people, it's been a tiring day and all, and hating her adds the tireness to myself. Thus, I'm going to try not to hate her anymore. But...as you all know, IT IS WAY WAY WAY WAY WAY HARDER THAN I THOUGHT! Why? Because, evrytime I wanna like her, she'll definately 101% do some shit to piss me off! So, as you can see, it is a MISSION IMPOSSIBLE!

2010-01-26T20:29:00.002+08:00

Seriously do not know what to update, one of the days when I finished my homework. A miracle people! Anyway, arm is hurting like hell because of the heat, stop global warming people! Getting more and more blur lately, and the relationship between miss soya bean and me ain't gonna turn out good.

Whatever it is, I WANNA QUIT BOP! Just a thought, cause I JUST CAN"T FUCKING STAND THE ATTITUDE OF THE TEACHERS NOWADAYS! Thinks they're the masters and we're the slaves. Do you people see any chains on us?! Hello! Wake up people wake up! Another thing, yes, I have indeed heard that us prefects, the role model of the school should refrain ourselves from saying the four-letter word in public. But, sorry, sometimes I just can't control myself.

As if we prefects have not gone through enough pressure, the old hag make us wear our uniforms on every Wednesday and change during our meetings! Urgh! And the reason? Because SHE can't recognize us prefects. Ever heard of name tags?

23rd of January 2010

2010-01-24T16:04:00.003+08:00

23rd of January 2010, a memorable day indeed. First, met a friend at my school, then, God must have blessed 3 Ungu, when the headmistress entered our classroom and questioned us about our form teacher, whom I call, Soya Bean Prataa bla bla. Having confessed everything that has been kept inside too long, we cheered and hoped for the best. A big thank you and cheers to Phooi Yuee jie and her mum for speaking the matter out.

Next, 23rd was the day where two person showed their affection to each other. Went out with my "family" and had a REAL break for the first time since prefect's life and 3Ungu life started. Truly had fun and let my hair down, although there was a bit things that have been noted down forever.
Thank God for the wonderful day and hope such opportunities will come again in the future. As I was told, things that happened before will happen again ^.^

Ta Daa!

2010-01-19T22:53:00.007+08:00

Today, marks an auspicious and memorable day. 19th January 2010, the last day I will be wearing my school uniform and remain my title as a pupil.

After that...

It's hello prefect's life...Full with a whole new lot of shit, trials and tribulations.

So, as a farewell, I'll post my journey of my uniform transformation in this post!

From this....

TO......

and.....

FINALLY...THIS!

And that is the end of the transformation..

Therefore, ADIOS to my lovely school uniforms!

I don't belong..

2010-01-16T14:18:00.005+08:00

I never felt like I belong anywhere, it's always been like that since I was a kid. I was a total outcast and perhaps, to some people, a disgrace. I've never live up to expectations, be it mine or others. That is my world, sure I'm surrounded by friends, friends who are so rare and people who care for me and loved me.

Yes, you may say I'm selfish, because some people do not even have a proper place they can call home. But, wherever I go, there's always times when I feel left out. I do admit, I'm fragile and sensitive, it's just the way I am.

Put all that aside, to me, life means so much more than kicking and punching. But, this...
Is where I grew up. It used to mean everything to me. My passion, my world, my life. Till now, the passion I once had, just disappeared.

Like I said, life is more than that. My world perhaps, belong with nature. I see beauty in nature, not only wildlife but Mother Earth.

Sure, martial arts has it's own beauty, that I will not deny, but, knowing I have failed in it, how could I stand up again? I'm tired for not deserving the treatment I deserve. I don't even know how to express my feelings.

Or maybe it's just the mother fucker who thinks he can say whatever shit he wants. The higher and the better I got, the more pressure I get from others. And the pressure cooker keeps getting higher, when will it explode I don't know. But when it does, I don't know what I'll do to fix it.

I'm not myself anymore, I barely know what I want in life. It suck so much I just wanna throw it all away. But faith, hope, and strength kept me alive, to fight with all my might before I fall.

Will I ever find a place where I belong? Or am I already there but too blind to see it?

2010-01-15T23:07:00.002+08:00

Life is about making the right decisions and choosing the path you want to follow, whether it is wrong or right. It's like a maze, you're in a mist, and what you get depends on what path you choose. You gotta be brave, have faith and trust your heart to follow the path you have chosen. Of course, we learn from mistakes, but, some mistakes have no turning backs. And therefore, I have always learned things the hard way.

The strong and outspoken ones have always survived the hardships that life throws at them, leaving the weaker ones to lick their wounds and left behind. It's still a tough thing to listen to both my heart and mind. But I do know that knowing you was one of the most amazing things that have ever happened to me.

How could I be so blind to not notice how much you love me? You were always there when I needed someone, you pulled the brakes just so I would not be the one left behind, it was always you who has always been making life a better place to live for me.
And I repay you with nothing but ignorance and childishness. I ripped your heart out without knowing it, and for that, I truly am sorry.

But, like you, I'm tired. Tired of all the unreasonable obstacles life throws at us. Yet, deep inside, I know this is a test, a test to show that we are strong together. And for that, I will not give up. For that, I will always be strong, for us.

However, I can't always be strong, that I hope you understand. A lot of things have been in my mind, things that made me forget you, therefore, do not feel the way you are feeling for me. But trust me, when that feeling comes, I do feel it, let be sadness or happiness, I feel it.

Therefore, I apologized for ignoring and turning my back on you.

I'm not strong, it's not true...

2010-01-11T22:28:00.002+08:00

Am I strong? I've always wanted to be strong, not only physically, but mentally. Some of my friends says I'm tough, just because I train martial arts. Unfortunately, I don't believe so. I may be strong, just maybe, but deep inside, I know I'm sensitive, selfish and irrational. Why?

Firstly, I can't stand people talking about me, number one mistake, too sensitive. I've always wondered, why must I take it so seriously what people say about me? Why can't I just chill like I've always told people to and forget it? I guess I'm just sensitive and paranoid.

Secondly, I get on my own nerves for no reason, or sometimes, stupid irrational reasons. Then when I think of it, I'm just a selfish and irrational brat after all.

I don't know what's wrong with me, I just know that if I keep behaving like this, I'm afraid I won't know who I am anymore, nor will my friends know.

Maybe it's just the pressure, maybe it's just the fucking fat ass bitch form teacher, I don't know.

But, face it, I'm not strong..I never was..

The Worst Teacher Awards goes to...

2010-01-08T21:45:00.002+08:00

Hello people! This post is dedicated specially to my fellow classmates. In order to release our tension, I have created The Worst Teacher Awards!

And the winner goes to...*drum roll*
SRY Prataa people! Everyone throw your rotten eggs! As you can see, I don't know with you guys, but she has pass the extend of being a total disaster.

1) She looks down on prefects and practically detest us prefects.
2) She likes colors, what a douche bag and therefore, made us color our books.
3) Her favorite probably is red and yellow.
4) Because of her, our class deco looks like shit, cause its brownish yellow.
5) Hates black and said its boring when black means everything to me.
6) Thinks her subject is the only one that is important therefore, nags us.
7) Wants us to be perfect when that is impossible. Don't you know nobody's perfect bitch?
8) Probably is torturing us just because she's a spinster and nobody wants her.
9) Wears a mini skirt when she's not fit for that at all.
10) Can't even accept our ways of ticking.

I can go on and on about her but I won't because it's too much. To my fellow classmates, let us show the old hag that we are not that easy to be stepped on! Adios folks!

2010

2010-01-06T22:00:00.003+08:00

Sorry I haven't been updating my blog, been busy with school and of course, I can't really afford to leisure around anymore, although I still do that.

So, 4th January 2010, was a beginning of a new life and a new chapter at school. Of course, the pressure is high, both from teachers and parents. I can say almost all the teachers who entered our class wants us to achieve more.
As usual, our form teacher, is also our English teacher. And also as usual, she is our personal hell, along with another airhead teacher who rule the school. 10 years of studying, it was my first time being told to draw and color the cover of my English books. And yes, it is a disgrace to me, oh my dear lovely books!
First day of school, homework started filling in piles and piles. Gladly, we had the same teacher for Science three years in a row!

5th January 2010
Second day of school was as much the same as the first, homework spilling in as usual, the pressure cooker going higher.

And 6th January 2010
Which is today, again homework spilled in as usual. A thing I have to accept from now on.
At night...
Training was as usual, just that Sir Eddy was absent. So Johnson conduct the class instead. His classes were always "interesting" compared to Sire Eddy's, which is his way of pushing us to our maximum level.
We had sparring again, I decided to partner with Kor. Halfway through the sparring, me sucking as usual, Kor's leg injury occurred again. Though I know it's not my fault, I can't help feeling guilty for what happened. Maybe if it was not me who has sparred with him, this could not have happened.

So to sum it up, the last three days had been a living hell, it was as if school's my personal Dante's Inferno or something. And, I seriously hope I live up to my expectations. As for training, I just hope I can get better.

Adios...

Annual dinner

2010-01-02T23:27:00.003+08:00

Function : Annual dinner
Venue : Tambun
Time : 8.30 p.m. - 10.00 p.m.
Date : 2nd January, 2010

Dinner was not as bad as I had imagined after all. We had 15 dishes of seafood, a lot I know. Everyone practically stuffed themselves. Good news was, the kids who sat at our table had big appetites, so we ended up the first table to finish the first few dishes.

After dinner, it was dessert time! We had a 6kg cake which I shall assume either a black forest or chocolate mint. It was fantastic!

Fantastic isn't it?

And there you have it, the annual dinner of the Penang United Taekwondo Society. Adios folks!

A new post, A new year..

2010-01-02T08:46:00.002+08:00

Since most of my posts are all very very negative, I shall rewrite my post for 1st of January 2010. As you see, my first post of the year 2010 is not a good one too.

1st January 2010, 12.00 a.m.
As I was feeling rather down at that time, sitting on my bed, leaning against my bedroom wall, all of a sudden, as the clock strike twelve, people started shouting " Happy New Year! ". Then, all of a sudden, the fireworks just exploded, right in front of my eyes. I could not describe how I felt that time. Watching that, a smile spread across my face, smouldering my anger and I could feel it melting away as my heart welcomed the new year.
It is a miracle how certain things can make you smile no matter how bad your temper was at that moment, or no matter how sad you were. As I watch the fireworks, it was as if it was meant for me. And that people, I felt blessed.
So, once again, a very happy new year to you folks!
Adios!

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

2010-01-01T18:35:00.004+08:00

I can be sure that to girls, their best friend is shopping. For me, shopping is a personal fucking hell. I am clearly aware of who I am, but hearing people spit it out in to my face hurts more than anything in the whole world. Maybe I'm just being sensitive, but, take my word, I'll NEVER EVER be a girl.

See those nice dresses? Ya, I'll never be one of those pretty pretty ladies who wore one of those. So, today, Mum and Dad dragged me to buy CNY clothes. As usual, every year, I would end up in a bad mood, and same too for this year. I decided to change and buy a tank top, tried it on, and turned out I'm just too ugly for one. See, first failure. Secondly, Mum dragged me to a fucking shop and this bitch actually told me and Mum that I was short. So I tried dress after dress, one that look like I'm pregnant. So, I stormed out of that shop, cursing it along. Next, another round of dresses. And the Lord must be joking with me, turns out none of it fits me. So, there, a summary of what a horrible fucking day I had.
I sincerely apologize for using swear words, but hey, I don't give a damn in the world right now. Lastly, I'm not even a girl, I'm a boy, oh yes I am. I'll never be one of those girls with slim bodies, nice curves and slender legs. You know why? Cause I don't have any fucking will to force myself to lose weight. So there you have it, a fucking bitch complaining what a horrible fucking day she has had which is all the while her fucking fault.
Have a nice New Year everyone.