Indulged in self pity...

5 years ago. Year 2004.
It was my first time ever learning martial arts, and I still remember it clearly like it was just yesterday, although, five years have passed. I still remembered, when I first entered the centre, I was wearing a red Spiderman sleeveless T-shirt.
It was a wonderful evening, with the Sun setting yet it's bright light still shone brightly and lit up the atmosphere. Then Master Yaw asked me which school was I from and he told me there was another girl, studying at the same school as me, but she was absent.
The class started, and I felt weird, as it was my first time and my brother and I were the odd ones out as we were the only two wearing sleeveless Spiderman T-shirts.

Year 2006, the first time ever I involved myself in competitions, the sparring and poomsae events. As a beginner, I was proud of myself for becoming a gold medalist, in both sparring and poomsae. At that time, whenever someone mentioned sparring, my heart would beat faster and my spirits lifted up. I feel like I belong there, in the ring, fighting on my own.
Then I remembered there was once, a Friday, which is always a sparring night. I suddenly got afraid of sparring and I cried. Embarrassing isn't it? But I never gave up that time, then came a new event, breaking. And I was so happy to win a gold medal with my team for the first time we entered.

But, as fun as it may be, pressure started coming whenever you get one step higher, whenever you get better. As the saying goes, when the tough gets going, you just have to be tougher. You fight to survive, die trying, or the worst of all, die and not trying at all.
And now, 2009, I've been getting worse and worse, day by day. I've been trying to blame the people around me for giving me pressure, but the truth is, maybe it was just me who did not want to accept the fact that I have to get tougher and keep improving.

Therefore, I start to get worse, at sparring. And the result? I got scolding, again, tonight. I don't blame Master Eddy for scolding me, after all, he has sacrificed a lot for us after all. Sir, although I know you will never be able to read this post, I still want to say thank you for being ever so patient with me, and I am sorry to have let you down.
I have thought of ways to improve myself, but, there is one thing I lack of, self confidence, or maybe more than one thing. Self confidence, not mentally, physically and technically strong.

It's weird isn't it? When I started training, I told myself I would never give up and have dreamt of being a champion. Too bad, this dream remains a dream. This place, which used to be my heaven and everything, have become a torturing hell. I no longer can find my passion for it anymore. My heart no longer beats faster whenever I hear the word sparring, instead, my heart shrivelled, and I was scared.
I don't know if I will ever be able to get that passion, that kind of heartbeat into myself again. November will be my last fight, as I will be stopping for the whole year next year, which I am sure will be every one's relieve. I will no longer be every one's burden.

The last fight, will I be safe? Or will I be knocked out again?