The devil in disguise

I can bet every one of you has someone that you just cannot deal with most of the time. Yeah, sure once or twice you might force yourself to put up with them, or once in a blue blue moon you might even share a laughter with them. But, most of the time, they make you want to rip your hair out just by looking at them.

Well for me, it was none other than my very own sibling, which for the purpose of this post, I shall refer to as D. 

You see, the seed of hatred did not just blossomed over a day, the seed was implanted deep within me ever since I was a child. Why you may ask? The answer to that will probably take forever to fulfill, I could fill endless pages with why I despise D so much. But, as a summary, among other things such as the never ending fights and quarrels we got into when we were under the care of our grandparents as our parents were off making a living, I have been scarred very, very, VERY deeply by D. I'm sure those who are close to me know what I mean. 

As a kid, I've learnt to just live with it, bottling up my fears and hatred deep inside me because I was afraid of telling my parents, in fear that they would call me a liar, which, later in life, they did when I finally cooked up the courage to confess. I don't think  I can ever forget how disappointed I was by their reaction. 

It was then that I realised I was alone in this. And to make matters worse, this seed of hatred just grows bigger and bigger as days go by. 

I've tried to heed the advice of those who say I should just forgive and forget, but to those people, the only thing that I can say to them is, if you have never been through what I have, then you have absolutely no fucking right to tell me to just forgive and forget. 

I've thought long and hard about how unfair it is that I have to be the one to carry the burden of this painful memory whilst D was free of it. 

Whenever I see his face, even without him speaking or doing anything, I would just be boiling inside, like a volcano waiting to explode for no apparent reason.

I do hope that I could forgive and forget sometimes, but I guess I'm just that stubborn and vengeful huh?