c-o-w-a-r-d

Been awhile since I've updated. Apologies to the readers(if there's anyone actually reading this blog). Anyhow, it's been a long week, a tiring month and a whole new batch of challenges awaits.

Lately, I realized that I've been turning more and more cowardly. Why? I don't know either and it's the truth I'm telling you. I used to be so kind of wild last time, risking everything and just wanted to let my hair down. But lately, every time I think of doing that, I feel guilty, guilty that I've lied. So instead of sky diving, jumping without a parachute or anything, I'm recoiling back into my shell, the one I've been trying so hard to come out of. And now, it's pulling me back.

I say things that I won't do, speak without thinking twice and worse, bitching about people I hate. Maybe it's the depression, maybe it's the stress, maybe it's the feeling of not wanting to be locked up in a cage. I don't know, either way, I'm a coward. Yes, I am. And I won't deny it.

So I pray really hard, that one day, everything will finally be OK. That everything will turn out good. That we will finally be able to hold our heads high and be together without needing to worry about consequences.

Hatred, the emotion that feels like water boiling in you, like a volcano, waiting to erupt, slowly creeps back inside me all over again. I made a promise to myself not to hate anyone, because, you see my fellow folks, the person you hate does not even know you hate them. So it'll be like clapping with one hand, it's rather tiring and torturing believe me. Sadly, I have been hating someone these few weeks. Along with some of my acquaintances who hate the same person as well. I'm kinda sure you know who you are, so please, stop being so annoying. You've work hard to build up a strong foundation so please, don't go tearing it down.

Time is flying as usual, callously ignoring all that have fallen and failed to achieve what they want in time. That's what's it's like to me now, the situation of PMR trials that will be beginning next Wednesday and I'm still here, blogging. On a different note, it's Friday 13th, God please bless me and my darling that we will get through our grading and get good results TONIGHT.

Finally, grading is over! Kinda glad it's over, and now, it's the trials I have to worry about. It's next week and I have yet to touch a single revision book >.< and I ain't lying about that.

Grading was as usual, scary and freaky and creepy. I really have learned that towards some bitches, its no use showing them any mercy. You pity them, they kill you. So yeah, bitches are bitches no matter how pretty they might be.

Weird week..

Been a weird week, that's all I can describe whenever I think of the events that took place within this week.

1st, rehearsals for the Speech Day which is tomorrow. Honestly, skipping lessons was fun, I need not have to see all those faces that I do not want to see, it's a once in a school year thing when we have reasons for not being in the class. Then again, there's a price to pay. Homework piling up into a mountain >.<

Well, lately, I think my mind is playing games with me. I've been missing him a lot a lot that apparently, my mind wonders around, and settle for a crush which well, is abnormal to say the least. Don't get me wrong, I'm an open minded person, but having a crush on that particular person is weird, especially when I see that person everyday. Which is why, obsession is a drug, I got so addicted I forgot who I am. So yeah, it's weird.

As for training, I've found out a rather worrying thing about grading this Sunday. Turns out I have to run 2.4km within 12 minutes. Either that or I fail my grading. So yeah, I know I know I'll never gonna make it. May God bless me and give me strength on Sunday.

As I have mentioned, tomorrow will be D-day. So will Sunday.

18th July 2009
No, I did not typed the wrong date. Well well, what can I say? Time flies. It's been a year since we attended the festival, the day we shared a memory so meaningful and priceless. Since that, we've matured in just 12 months' time. From a humble beginning to becoming madly in love with each other. From a smooth journey to a rough and bumpy ride, we have indeed gone through a lot of hardships. But, along the way, we created memories together, sweet or not, when it's with you, it's all worthwhile. I thank you for always being there for me honey, you never seem to wanna give up on me. You were there when I needed someone to lean on, when I needed a shoulder to cry, when I needed a hand to help me stand up. You shower me with all your love since then, and I hope I too, can you that, for love is what brought us together.

Is this goodbye then?

"Friends walk in and out of our hearts, but only true friends leave their footprints"

As you may know, in just a few months' time, you have changed into someone whom I do not know. If friends walk in and out of our hearts, then, I'm going to miss you. I barely know you anymore, it's like you and I are total strangers. Yes, we all have to grow up someday. We all have wake up and chase after what we want someday, it's just sooner or later. But, does changing who we are involved? Maybe it does, I don't know. All I know, is that I don't know you anymore. Maybe it's my fault, I don't know. But truth as I say, I really am going to miss you. All the memories and all the fun we had all these years. All the secrets we shared and all the help you gave me when I needed someone, I'll never forget those. May God bless you and I hope everyone will become a better person.

Truth or Lies?

Here's the fact that I have learned to accept, life, as it seemed, is never truly fair. No matter how much justice is done, things will still remain unfair. If a person is found guilty of raping someone, he is sentenced to death, or is canned. I don't think that will give the victim her virginity back will it? Therefore, like I said, life may seem to be fair, but the fact is, it never was and never will be.

Here's another fact I'd like to share. First impressions are vital, screw it and for the rest of your life you'll never be able to gain a person's trust. Why? Because people like so so much to judge the book by it's cover. They never even gave a chance to let a person prove themselves worthy. Instead, they jump to conclusions. Are they naive or simply are idiots? On a different note, most of us choose to believe based on what we are told, without even wanting to investigate the truth behind what we are told. What if it was not the truth? Are we going to be blinded by lies just because the person who tells us are so called 'friends'?

Thirdly, I have found the phrase, "people change" to be very true indeed. Within a year, so many people that I've once trusted turned their backs on me. Don't ask me why, because, truth is, I too wanna know why. They've changed, and when I say changed I meant 100% changed. I don't know them anymore. They've grown to be so hateful, so bossy, so ignorant, so arrogant, to sum it up, they've become assholes. I don't know, maybe they thought that with power, respect is gained. Well, guess what guys? You're all fucking wrong. Respect is gained, it's not something that you can have overnight. Because when you respect someone, without any hidden agendas, they will realize that. And in return, they respect you for who you truly are.

Besides the above mentioned, I now know why family and friends are important. And when I mentioned family and friends, I meant those who really understand you, not those who pretend to show their empathy and sympathy because they think it is their responsibility to do so. The more I grow up, the more I see with my own eyes, I'm beginning to feel that I am the black sheep. Loneliness is my greatest fear. Therefore, I'm the type of person who will never survive without a shoulder to lean on or an ear to listen to my whining. Maybe I'm unfaithful, but have they ever thought, after all those years of working so so hard, do I not deserve a break? But no, they've decided to love him more than me. Then so be it. I have no rights to tell them which is which, they should know better. I'm not asking for more love, all I want is for them to see the truth and not be blinded by acts and lies.

Freedom, is what every child wants. Some want it because they want to do crazy wild things. But me, I await the day when I can finally start spreading my wings and fly on my own. Yes it's gonna be a pain the ass, but, I'll have to face the harsh world outside, it's just the matter of time. I await the day when I can finally free myself from this mental torture. If this is what God gave me to test my patience, then dear God, I have survived. I plead to You to bless me and all whom I love.