The Dawn of a New Day

Alas, the first post of 2014, yet again another year unfolds, a new book, a new journey that waits impatiently for us to discover, new resolutions, a fresh start.

But before all of that, I would start the first post of year 2014 with what has been going on throughout the previous year.

Year 2013. The year that changed my entire purpose of existence. 

First and foremost, the year started with the freedom what every 17 year old in Malaysia was waiting for. After studying and struggling for 11 years, school was FINALLY over. I could finally taste freedom and I could finally begin a new journey in life. As much as I will miss my alma mater, a place that will always have a special place in my heart, I was eager to start another chapter of my life. 

Started the year with an annual dinner with the Taekwondo family, happy to see that after all the struggles, those that remain loyal and true were still strong. Soon after, sent one of my best pals off to the one of the worst nightmares of a 17 year old in the country, National Service! Thank my lucky stars my name was not on the list :P . Although after that she told us it was one of the best experiences she ever had. 

Most of the free time was then filled with working, one of the biggest regrets of my life for agreeing to a favour. Every day I dreaded the thought of going to work, seeing the faces of the younger generation. Don't get me wrong, I don't detest little ones, just the ones who think they own the bloody world and that every one should bow at their presence.

Ever heard of the phrase things happen when you least expect them to? To me, it hit me like a storm outta nowhere. In the midst of enjoying my life, when I was planning where to further my journey, I was struck by a storm. Everything that I ever wanted, all the hopes and all the dreams were snatched away from me. My life was all of a sudden set to the difficulty level of extreme. 

I was shackled by the chains of an illness, an illness that would change my life forever. An illness that has no cure but can only go into remission. Everything changed. Literally. Families were confused and friends were concerned. Those who cared enough stayed. Those who didn't just wasn't worth caring for. Through my battle with this unforgiving illness, I've been through what seemed like the impossible. Of course, entering college at this point of my life seemed like I was adding more burden on my shoulders, what with assignments and coursework and the constant need to communicate with peers that I always have to remind myself who do not understand what I'm going through. Those who do I thank my blessings for having found them. Everyday was a battle, from thinking why I was chosen to carry this burden to taking various medication that made me change not only from the inside but outside as well. Who would have known the painstaking effects of medication.

Through all those and here I am, still fighting and learning how to adapt to this new found life every day. Perhaps it was a way to tell me to take a step back and enjoy the simple things in life that I took for granted all this while. Perhaps it was a way of telling me to stop caring so much. Perhaps it was a way of telling me to take it easy and slow down my pace just one step. Perhaps.

So if someone were to ask me how was 2013 for me? I would say 2013 was the year my world changed forever. But through the change, I've learnt to be grateful, I've learnt to be patient (I think), I've learnt to let go, I've learnt to accept myself for who I am (actually it's still a challenge but no worries, I don't plan to give up any time soon) and most important of all, I've learnt that I am not alone. No matter how difficult the path ahead will be, I'm never alone.

I thank my blessings for having not to face this adversity alone.

On a lighter note, this year has its silver lining. To my special someone, after 4 years of growing up and getting chubby together, finally, we beat the odds and can finally lift the burden although not completely but it was more than we could wished for. I thank God for having someone like you by my side. No matter how bad of a person you think you are, I see the good in you. I see the sacrifice that you have made just to see a smile on my face. I see the courage and strength you showed me while walking this path with me. Words will never be enough to describe how much you mean to me. I can only hope we will never be apart so I can show you how much you mean to me. I love you darling.

So, come forth 2014, I await what you have written for me. It is as I say, the dawn of a new day.

First and foremost, a very Merry Christmas and hope everyone got what they wanted for their presents this year. 

As for me, what can I say? A lot has happened since my last post on this blog. So much has changed in this new world of ailment which has found it's way to me. Sometimes, it feels like I'm Alice wondering in the big maze and falling into a burrow to discover this new world that decided to upgrade the challenges of my life to   levels harder than I could have imagined.

Nevertheless, I thank God for giving me the strength to accept this reality and to fight on this long-lasting enemy. I also count my blessings that I have been blessed to have someone by my side when I'm at my worst. Through thick and thin, you've always remained loyal by me, even when the rest of the world thinks the worst of you, you have pushed aside all those and put my needs above yours and for that my dear, I know that I have found someone who will hold my hand and be there for me until the end of time. I can only hope that those who think negatively of you will soon see how amazing of a person you really are.

Moving on to my family, I can only hope that all of them will have the faith and hope to carry on with this change. I can only hope that they will understand further about this change and not live in denial. 

Having to deal with college was even tougher than I thought. Having to deal with people itself is a dreadful task. But I am grateful that after all the drama that went down that caused my condition to worsen, it has opened my eyes to what matters most and to focus on things that matter. Also, found out who true friends really were and who are just merely acquaintances. 

Again a Merry Christmas to all and here's to hoping the year 2014 will be better than 2013. Cheers peeps. :)

Those days...

Remember when you were little and you had a passion which drives you insanely hyperactive every time you think about it? Well that's how it was for me when I started training. All I wanted to do was become a champion, the best of the best. But life's never easy, and there will always be others who are better than you. Slowly, the passion became dimmer until one day, it just went off. It's just sad that something I used to love doing has now become just another chapter of my life.

There's only so much time someone can afford to apologise and there's only so much time for them to be forgiven. But why is it that every time I cry alone and awake with swollen eyes in the mist of yet another day, my heart melts when you say how much I mean to you even though it's been scarred again and again.

I guess sometimes the only question is is it worth all the pain.

Why give up now?

I've always told myself to never give up and never back down no matter how difficult or tough the waves of reality hits. Even when we're sailing against the tide, we've always succeeded to pass whatever storm that hit us together, side by side. I know life is a living hell for you now, and I know you feel like the one piece of stacks that we play, the one piece that if you pull it out everything will tumble. Maybe you think that pulling that one piece out and just let everything tumble is a better solution. But why give up now? After all that we have went through why give up now? Yes I don't deny that I'm upset and hurt but I never said I'll give up on you or on us.

18th Birthday

Took me awhile, but like everybody else, I turned 18. Honestly, 2013 will not really be a year I want to remember, but it is the year my life decided to take a humongous roller coaster ride. Am I glad it happened? Yes and no. Well today started out as an alright day I suppose. Went out with family, had dinner, laughed like wild hyenas, took photos to be kept as memories for the later years and drove everybody home.

As much as I wished a special someone was there to celebrate this day with me, well, I guess life doesn't always turn out the way you want it. But hey, there's always the 21st birthday. :)

Life seems to have changed for me after I was diagnosed with lupus nephritis. For those who do not know, it is a disease where the antibodies cannot differentiate which are the bacteria and viruses and will thus attack the organs. 

Being hit by this disease, yes, I was literally being hit, it attacked me when I least suspected it. Sometimes I wonder, of all the people in the world, why me? Is God joking with me? But then, someone told me, "Give me a hero and I'll write you a tragedy". These words nonetheless inspired me to move on and get on with my life, because, let's face it, the truth is, no matter how sad and down you think you are, time and tide waits for no man. It just keeps moving along. 

I'm not exactly certain if there's a sickness for it, but ever since I was diagnosed with lupus nephritis, I've been feeling a lot less than normal people do. Mind you I did searched for it on Google and surprisingly found that a lot of people out there face the same problem. It is a condition called 'emotionally numb'?

So, I guess I'm not alone after all.

But, what I'm trying to say is, no matter how difficult life may seem to be now, no matter how big the obstacle in front of you is, or how high the hurdle in front of you is, I believe you can overcome it. And most importantly, keep yourself healthy and fit. =)