In a perfect world

In a perfect world, she would go to bed with a smile on her face and no worries in her mind but only with the sweet memories and thoughts.

In a perfect world, she wouldn't need to worry that someday he would wake up and not want to deal with it anymore.

In a perfect world, she would look flawless and be at par with him, eliminating the need for him to feel that he needs to seek out others in order to talk about things that relate to him more.

In a perfect world, she need not worry about how bad it would affect her if she went anywhere she wanted, if she were to lay on the beach the whole day, or sleep late at night.

In a perfect world, she need not worry about having thoughts so dark that the demons within have created, thoughts that even she was afraid to share with him.

In a perfect world, she need not imagine how it would be like if she just let go and surrender.

But it is not a perfect world, is it?

You're a stupid idiot.

We live in a world where we all can say is getting more liberalised and free thinking, yet, there are still a lot of us who are such small minded creatures that ultimately find joy only by inflicting pain to others or ruin somebody's day.

First of all, no matter how someone looks, it is absolutely none of your knuckleheads' business. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to be judged by all you stupid idiots and can't do anything about it but just humbly nodding along? No,  you don't, because either your brains are too small to know or understand what empathy is, or you don't have any at all. Do you have any idea how much pain or emotional damage you can inflict on that person once you speak without thinking? Guess not, cause my best guess is you're incapable of that.

Secondly, this is a fair world and I will not just criticise one side of the party. So, to those of you who are being judged, grow some balls and stand up for yourselves. Defend yourself, speak up for yourselves and stand your ground. Sometimes it's not about keeping quiet because you respect someone, because let me tell you, those people who judged you, they don't deserve to be respected, even if they're older than you. And also, come one man, don't be a wuss and keep whining about it, do something, or even better, don't let the words of stupid idiots ruin your lives because I can tell you, it's not worth it.

Uncertainty

Things have been difficult this year, and with Christmas and the New Years drawing closer, it makes you think of all that has happened this year.

Firstly, the end of this year marks the end of my gym membership, which makes me feel guilty every time I think of it. Out of the 1 year and 6 months I've paid for, I'm not sure I've actually made the best out of it. Although relieved that it's not a burden anymore I can't help but regret not taking the chance while I can.

Secondly, this year would mark the 7th year I've been together with my beloved, who I think it's safe to say has the crappiest year this year. Time and time life crushes your motivation and any ounch of hope and believe left in you that you are now close to being an empty husk. I know times seem bleak now, and I don't know what I can actually do to make you feel better other than being there when you need a shoulder to lean on or an ear to listen to, but I guess you just have to believe that good things are just around the corner. Then again, I guess I still can't shake the feeling that I'm the cause of your failures, maybe if I was strong enough to let go,  maybe you'll get the time and focus that you needed to succeed. Maybe if I were to just let you go, then you could have swam up instead of being anchored down. Are things meant to end soon? Or are we lucky enough to spend eons together, hand in hand, until our hair turn grey?

I don't know what the future holds for you, or me, or for us, but I do know that I will and always have cherish every moment we're together, even those moments that we refuse to speak to each other.

Drift Apart

It's one of those days again, actually I haven't spent a day like this in awhile, I have literally been listening to songs for a few hours now.

Listening to some songs from the past of course, automatically brought me back into some memories which I must admit, was some of my favorite chapters of my life so far.

Although, I can't help but go back to the chapter where I've had a rather close bond with one of the people that I honestly had no idea would have gotten close to. 

It was that dark time of their lives, where both were my close friends, she decided it was time to move on and cut the cord, and he, as much as he had expected it, got his heart broken really badly from it. Of course, I was pretty shocked too when I found out what happened, I did grow up with their relationship, thinking that they would be the ones who lasted. I've seen them together for many years now, from when they started dating, I could still remember on one of our trips that we were on a field, training and at the end of it, he plucked a flower and just put it on her hair. They were so happy back then. 

Of course, learning how they ended, I chose to have negative feelings for her, although she had grown to be like my big sister, and him, surprisingly, got closer to me as we talked and I tried my best to comfort him. We shared a bond that at least to me, was somewhat meaningful. Every night we would talk and talk, and every night I would try to help him recover bit by bit. 

This went on for awhile and unexpectedly, we became best friends, me treating him as a big brother, or maybe a little more than I want to admit to myself. Time by time, I saw him heal and as happy as I was for him, I have grown to be defensive of who he would meet. So, when he met the lady that he would call his wife now, I couldn't help but be skeptical about her, because, as much as I want him to move on, I didn't want to see his heart broken and shattered to pieces again. 

Then one day, he just said that our conversations, and this bond that we had, should just remain between us. And at that moment, I just shattered into pieces, disappointed by the audacity of his request. I was angry and hated him. Then, after I got sick, in an event, he showed me that I shouldn't give up and should keep on fighting. 

Well, sad to say, we never talk to each other as long as those times ever again. He treated me as just one of the people he knew and I did the same too. 

So, my question is, am I a bad person to want that time back again, even if  that time meant that he was at his most vulnerable and sad moments of his life?

I guess sometimes, people just drift apart.

Wrestlemania Monday

So, today was my first ever Wrestlemania experience. Woke up before 6am to go to his house and I gotta say, it's a heck of an experience and I wished I was at Dallas, Texas. 

I found it immensely entertaining however violent it might seem to most people. I also have to say, it is weird to see some of the wrestlers in their weird costumes, like Stardust and Golddust (I suggested they should have a younger sibling named Pixie Dust).

                                    

Then came one of my favourite matches, the divas. Really was a pity that Charlotte won, I DO NOT like that blonde bitch. But as usual, her victory was with the help of her dad.

                                      

Then came the most epic match of the night, where Shane McMahon dropped from a 20 foot cage but missed the Undertaker. That was just downright epic!

     

I could go on and on about the show but what I have to say is, it certainly was very exciting. And well, although a lot of hardcore fans was disappointed with this year's Wrestlemania, as a rookie, I would say it was damn right epic and amazing the things these wrestlers do for the sake of the show and their fans. Hats off to all of them!

Yet, another new year.

First of all, Happy New Year to any of you who are still reading my blog! May this year be a better one than last year.

Well, first off, 2015 has definitely been a heck of a ride, what with finally graduating from 2 gruesome years of diploma in a place that makes you feel that if you don't belong, then you never will. Well, as happy as I am that I have left that godforsaken place, can't help but miss the acquaintances I've made while I was there. The year then continued to having to make a decision on which path I should choose to further my studies, and I really hope I've chosen the right one. Well, I guess the toughest part of 2015 was the time when I had to be admitted into the hospital, not only was it a terrible place to recuperate, I had also missed the exams, thus, slowing my progress. 

On the other hand, I can't believe how fast time has past and we've been together for 6 years now my dear. I really am truly blessed to have you in my life through thick and thin. I know we don't always see eye to eye at times and we do sometimes bicker, but I'm glad we could always resolve them. I'm really sorry if I ruined your days with my sudden outbursts of anger, when I interrupt you while you were talking. I've always wondered how much more of me that you can take before you put your foot down and say enough is enough and that you don't want any part of this anymore. As much as I hope that that doesn't happen, I do wish sometimes that we hadn't met at all, maybe then you wouldn't have had to bear the burden that was not meant for you. I truly am grateful that we've found each other in this lifetime. Here's to hoping that we'll survive whatever bumps the road ahead has, and thank you my dear, for sticking by me through it all, even when I'm being difficult, you never turned your back on me even though you're not in the best shape, I only wish I can be as patient as you are. 

First Test Drive...EVER

So, this weekend was one that was more adventurous and exciting!

Well, firstly, I'll start you readers (that is if I ACTUALLY have any) with the bad news, because hey, I like to leave the best for last.

So, having been a fan of Wongfu (WONGFU FOR LIFE!) recently, I was more than happy and excited that they were going on tour to screen their movie and one of the places that they were coming was here, well not here in Penang exactly, but in Kuala Lumpur. But, 'fortunately' for me, I'm not allowed to go, because some people just think they can abuse their authority just because they have the authority to do so and because they know there's eventually nothing you can do about it.

Well, moving to the brighter side of things, today, after pushing someone to go request for a test drive because he wanted to but was not sure if he dared, my first EVER test drive, although I was in the back seat, was THE BEST EXPERIENCE EVER. And it wasn't because it was my first time experiencing a test drive, it was because... *drum roll* we tested the BMW 328i M Sport.

All I can say was, the car is amazeballs. It was solid, the features was great, and the sport mode, AMAZING.

What a wonderful and amazing way to end the weekend and although doesn't change the situation I'm in, it was definitely an uplifter.



Here's the bad boy we tested, well not exactly this car but this model. XD

Hey there lil tyke, I'm so sorry that I couldn't see you and pet you one last time before you left for a better place. Rest well ok little fluff, for at least I know you're in a better place now, free from any suffering and pain. I'll miss you Pusheen. :'( :'( :'(

I'm a happy girl ^.^

Just wanted to update about the big husky that I sorta got as a gift from him. ❤❤ It was supposed to be given to one of our friend as her birthday present but seeing that I loved it so much he decided to give me instead as present. So, we ended up buying another soft toy for her instead, which turned out to become one of our friend's favourite too :-))

Well, I just wanted to say how happy I am that I got to keep the husky. Thank you so so much love.

The devil in disguise

I can bet every one of you has someone that you just cannot deal with most of the time. Yeah, sure once or twice you might force yourself to put up with them, or once in a blue blue moon you might even share a laughter with them. But, most of the time, they make you want to rip your hair out just by looking at them.

Well for me, it was none other than my very own sibling, which for the purpose of this post, I shall refer to as D. 

You see, the seed of hatred did not just blossomed over a day, the seed was implanted deep within me ever since I was a child. Why you may ask? The answer to that will probably take forever to fulfill, I could fill endless pages with why I despise D so much. But, as a summary, among other things such as the never ending fights and quarrels we got into when we were under the care of our grandparents as our parents were off making a living, I have been scarred very, very, VERY deeply by D. I'm sure those who are close to me know what I mean. 

As a kid, I've learnt to just live with it, bottling up my fears and hatred deep inside me because I was afraid of telling my parents, in fear that they would call me a liar, which, later in life, they did when I finally cooked up the courage to confess. I don't think  I can ever forget how disappointed I was by their reaction. 

It was then that I realised I was alone in this. And to make matters worse, this seed of hatred just grows bigger and bigger as days go by. 

I've tried to heed the advice of those who say I should just forgive and forget, but to those people, the only thing that I can say to them is, if you have never been through what I have, then you have absolutely no fucking right to tell me to just forgive and forget. 

I've thought long and hard about how unfair it is that I have to be the one to carry the burden of this painful memory whilst D was free of it. 

Whenever I see his face, even without him speaking or doing anything, I would just be boiling inside, like a volcano waiting to explode for no apparent reason.

I do hope that I could forgive and forget sometimes, but I guess I'm just that stubborn and vengeful huh?

Been hella a few weeks.

 This past few weeks were truly a journey that were filled with much emotions.

Started the month with hanging out with friends who I have known for as long as 14 years, including one who recently came back from the land of the gingers for her holidays, even though someone said she won't be planning to come back. Nevertheless, it was good to see you again old friend.

So, started out our hang out by having dim sum together at Bali Hai, which up until then I never knew served dim sum in the morning. Six of us turned up despite the original plan being seven of us as one of them decided to take a rain cheque as she couldn't wake up. The food was decent at a reasonable price, but, I guess food tastes better when you have a greater company to enjoy it with. Anyways, what was originally only a dim sum meet up turned into a horror movie date. "Best" 9 bucks I've spent for covering my eyes through the entire show.

Ended the day after lunch with a cheers to many more years of friendship. After that, continued the day with dinner with my darling hubby bear as well as a long time friend who has been like a big sister to me since I was in primary. 

                          

A few days passed and had another hang out with a slightly different bunch of people, partly also a farewell for the said friend who took a rain cheque.

A few days later had one last lunch date and it was sending her off to the airport. Although we promised we wouldn't break down, but we couldn't battle the fight and at last ended the send off in tears. I'll miss you when you're gone Carmen, take care and have fun in the US alright? And take good care of Xiao Dre. 

After that, it was movie time again, the long awaited movie for me and my darling, Inside Out! The movie was amazingly done, although it did made us emotional at most parts. Do I look like Sadness? :P

Started the last week of August with a hang out with some of my dearest friends from college during my diploma years, nothing's more fun and entertaining than just sitting down and chatting while time flies by. It was also one of the few meet ups hat we could manage before the little one on the left leaves for Ireland to continue her studies and if luck allows, start her career there.

The time then came again to 'send off' Vivien to  ginger land. And I certainly can't describe how glad I was that it ended in laughter instead of in tears, then again, with most of the day involving all of us giving life advice to one of our friends who was constantly being tormented by us, especially me on that occasion. On that note, have fun and take care the rest of the time you're there laddie! I'll see ya soon when you're back here again!

                 

Spent the last remaining days at the pot luck dinner held at sir's house, overall being a success, plenty of food, plenty of people, super noisy kids who eventually got shushed by buaya because they were disturbing mini buaya who was in a cradle.   

September comes and it's time to wake up. 

Started off the month by having a supposedly farewell gathering for the little one who we are all going to miss her most for her bubbly personality that can cheer you up whenever you're with her. 

We then met a few days later where we could just hang and talk all day, cherishing the last few moments where we could hang out before parting ways with Jessica. Gonna miss you when you're gone my little friend, take care of yourself in Ireland alright?

After saying our goodbyes, it was time to celebrate the special day of hubby bear. Been together with him for 6 years and man, honestly, I never thought I'd be so lucky to have met someone like you my dear. I don't think there are any words to express how grateful and blessed I am to still have you by my side even though after you found out that I'm sick. Thanks so much for sticking by my side all this while honey. And thanks for the treat at TGIF even though it was your special day. Hope you like the giant Pepero that I got you, hehe. 

              

 

Well, that about sums up the few weeks so far. Sorry for the long post, here's a potato. Have a nice day folks. =)

Compromise.

I've heard and read that if you want a relationship to work, you gotta compromise. I never really knew how difficult compromising was, never thought it could be so tiring and  certainly never thought the amount of of patience needed to do it.

You see, when you're at the start of your relationship, it's all rainbows and butterflies and hugs and kisses. You're so content with the cloud of happiness and bliss that you're in and you think to yourself, wow I'm the luckiest and happiest person.

Now fast forward to a few years later, how many of you are still in the same relationship? How many of you actually had the balls or rather, the patience to say or admit that you're wrong,  even if you're not, just for the sake of ending a silly argument? How many of you actually worked things out when things turned sour instead of walking out on the cloud of bliss that you once thought you shared with your significant other? How many of you actually had the guts to swallow your pride because you know that if you just sit this one out instead of exploding it'll all be over soon?

My point is, I've come to realise how difficult it is to maintain a relationship. And every jab that I've received, regardless of if he knew what he said was actually hurting my feelings, I've learned to sorta live with it and  just sit it out instead of shouting like a maniac and starting a war.

Why? It's not because I'm scared of him or anything, it's because at the end of the day, when we take care of each other when one of us is sick, or when we comfort one another when the other is upset, or when we spend the whole day not talking but embracing each other, all the things that went wrong will seem so petty and I'll be wondering why I cared so much about it in the first place.

And that is why we compromise.

Sometimes, more often than not, life just decides to change its course. Without any notice, without any warning or without any whispers to warn you. One moment you find yourself happily soaking in the Sun, strolling along the beach, feeling the sand between your feet, the next moment, all of that is just a memory. A memory that's so distant you although it wasn't even that long ago. 

Well, that's what happened in my case anyway.

I've never realised how much I miss doing all those things that are considered normal to others. Simple things, as simple as walking without any protection on a bright, sunny day, would be hazardous now. A simple task of strolling by the beach would also be hazardous now. 

Truth is, I miss doing those things. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is, I miss being normal. 

Maybe it's time, no?

I remember us being introduced for the first time, 7 years ago when I was in preparation for a performance. I remember us getting on each other's nerves then. Funny isn't it? How two individuals who disliked each other had no idea that they were the missing piece in a puzzle of each other.

I remember all the endeavours and perhaps, the word most suitable to describe, all the shit we had to go through just to be together. I remembered how happy I was when I finally found someone I could confide in, someone who probably knows me better than anyone else including myself, someone who always, always puts me first above all. I remembered how amazing it felt when we had first held hands, when we first embrace each other and the first time we kissed, as silly as it was, in the midst of strangers.

And now, after all those endeavors has passed, I couldn't be more happy that we were finally able to be together without worrying that we would be seen.

But then, I probably should have known that in reality, there are no happy endings and that trouble will always be present. After all that we have been through, a new adversity shows its face yet again. An adversity that involves no one other than ourselves. The doubt, the strength that puts us to the test of how far we are willing to hold on to one another, or simply put, the test of faith.

Truth be told, I missed those moments we used to have. We had fun, cherish those times we had together despite having to hide from everyone else. But now, when there was nobody to hide from, I can't help but feel like a burden. I can't help but feel that I'm the one weighing you down. I can't help but wonder, more often than not, if you would be better off if I just had the courage to let go, to free you from the pain that you have to endure with me.

As I once read, if you see a beautiful flower, don't pluck it, leave it be, as it will die if you pluck it. Perhaps I should too, do the same?

Perhaps.

As an individual, we are often taught to choose our own path, to choose our own destiny, that destiny is in fact in our hands. We're often taught that we should follow our instincts despite the advice given by others.

However, more often than not we'll probably choose the path that was decided by others. And why? It is not that we are indecisive, it is not that we are weak. But, I have found out that most often than not, it is just because we love that person too much. We accept the path that was chosen by them because we can't bear to disappoint them, because we want to see them smile. And even though we'll probably regret it, we somehow tricked ourselves that we are indeed doing the right thing.

But until when I wonder, do we let them decide what path should we journey upon?

Perhaps it's time that we stand on our feet, perhaps it's time we voice out, perhaps it's time to be brave and for once embrace what we want to do with our lives, perhaps it is time we step out of our comfort zone and for once do something that we truly want to do.

Am I asking for too much?

What is the extent that someone is okay with something that they know is impossible to be okay with no matter how difficult they try and no matter how hard they try to cover it up with a smile?

Will you be seen as overreacting if you did explode? Or will they actually understand how you feel?

I guess sometimes even the person who you think understands you the most will turn out to be the most clueless person.

Am I asking for too much to have the dream that my prince will someday sweep me off my feet? Are those just the results of over expectation?

Reality, sucks.

First of all, a very congratulations to one of my dearest and oldest friend for finally finding happiness and his other half. I have to say, after seeing him gone through the pain of losing a relationship which most thought would be the one, I'm glad to see him with his other half in holy matrimony.

Although one should be joyous at an occasion like this one, I can't help but feel alone and somehow at my worst. Seeing friends doll up and the guys in their smart attires, I guess I had a little hope to be one of those girls who were pretty and wore pretty and fancy dresses to a place like that. But let's face it, I was never cut out to be like that ever since the beginning. I could try, but everytime I do, it'll just feel awkward and out of place. Being comfortable and truly yourself takes a lot of sacrifice it seems. But for one night, sometimes I wish I could be a princess and live in a fairytale and have the attention to myself. But who am I kidding eh?

Time.

So, first of all, a very happy new year to all my readers (if there is indeed anyone whose reading). 2014 has certainly been a hectic yet adventurous journey as I could say. I've been battling the 'friend' who has decided to stay as long as I breathe, the wolf which I have come to make peace with, hoping that it will be tamed for as long as it can be. 

Surely of course, it seems that I am not the only one who are battling the demons around them. Some are battling to become a better person, some are battling for a brighter future, and some, are just battling the bricks and hurdles that are stopping them from going over the bridge, toward their goals or as some would like to call it, material possessions. 

Time, is a relative essence, or whatever you would like to categorize it. Until today, the thought of what would happen to me after I stop breathing, will I be reborn? Will I know that I'm gone? All these thoughts still send a shiver down my spine when I think of it, the afterlife. But time, sadly, is never enough. Time, is simply going to move along, like the tides of the sea, feeling no pity for those who choose to be idle with it. But, I ask myself, will there ever be enough time for each of us? Will there always be enough time to reach for what you want? I guess the answer will probably be no. We will eventually just have to deal with it, we will simply just have to make the best of the time that has been given to us.

I also wonder, is it possible for two souls who belong together to meet at the wrong time? Would these two souls be better off if they were apart? Would one be an anchor to the other to achieve what he wants? Would he better off alone, at least until he finds out what he wants or have attained it? 

 

Oblivion is after all, inevitable.

A lot of changed in my life these past few months. Of course, considering the fact that fate thinks its funny to set upon me this great tragedy in the time where I was just about to start exploring the world. Then again, all heroes have a tragedy don't they?

Sadly, I've come to realise that no matter how big a part something can be in your life, eventually, when you stop being important or significant, you'll be forgotten. Sure people might mention you once in awhile, but, sooner or later, you'll just be a fraction of their memories, or worse, maybe even not and you'll be totally forgotten.

I never thought it'll have such a great impact on me. I used to think I was a part of this one big family where we share the same passion. But, as soon as I disappear, so does my reputation. I guess it's partly my fault that I didn't put any effort in being a part of the family even though I'm no longer involved. But it does still hurt knowing that you'll just be wiped off just because you aren't a part of something anymore.

So, I guess what I'm tying to say is, as true as it is in one of my favourite novels, oblivion IS inevitable..

Perhaps it's time to let go?