Oblivion is after all, inevitable.

A lot of changed in my life these past few months. Of course, considering the fact that fate thinks its funny to set upon me this great tragedy in the time where I was just about to start exploring the world. Then again, all heroes have a tragedy don't they?

Sadly, I've come to realise that no matter how big a part something can be in your life, eventually, when you stop being important or significant, you'll be forgotten. Sure people might mention you once in awhile, but, sooner or later, you'll just be a fraction of their memories, or worse, maybe even not and you'll be totally forgotten.

I never thought it'll have such a great impact on me. I used to think I was a part of this one big family where we share the same passion. But, as soon as I disappear, so does my reputation. I guess it's partly my fault that I didn't put any effort in being a part of the family even though I'm no longer involved. But it does still hurt knowing that you'll just be wiped off just because you aren't a part of something anymore.

So, I guess what I'm tying to say is, as true as it is in one of my favourite novels, oblivion IS inevitable..

Perhaps it's time to let go?

Maybe...

Life gets more complicated as we move on further in life. It is as though the difficulty level of the game of life is set a notch higher as each day pass, like playing a game as you pass level by level, one step after another, each more difficult than the last, except that this game of life has not only one evil boss to defeat but several or rather, sometimes, never ending.

I do believe that what matters is not the challenges that we face each passing day, but rather the things that we learn from them, the memories, let it be happy or sad that we gain from them, the experiences that makes us a little bit tougher and maybe the most important of them all, the people that we meet along the way.

Well, people always say, no pain no gain. True as it may seem, sometimes we should just step things down a notch and relax. But of course, every single one of us faces the devil within, and by that I mean the little inner demon that I would like to call, STRESS. But does it mean that we should let it stop us from growing or from achieving more? Of course not! Everybody deals with stress diffrently in their own different ways, but that doesn't mean you should just give up and hide in a corner and cry and admit defeat. What about those who want to achieve more but can't because they're stopped by things like long term ailment?

On a second note, I've come to realise that being in a relationship isn't always lovey dovey and filled with never-ending sweet moments of romance. Or does it? Sometimes I wonder is it just me expecting too much? Or is it simply that maybe, just, maybe, you'll somehow be a better and happier person without me by your side. Like someone once said, "if you love a flower, let it be, don't pluck it or it'll die". Perhaps it's time I do the same too? Would my absence bring more happiness and less stress to you? If one day, it does, I will leave, even if it kills me, because nothing matters more than seeing that smile on your face again.

Selfless or Selfish?

Being selfless is such a difficult thing to achieve most of the time. You try to suppress all your feelings and doubts and troubles so you that you don't make others worry and weary more than they already are. But, sometimes I wonder, how long can one hold and suppress themselves and plaster on a smile before they break down and fall apart like everyone else?

Does being selfish and wanting someone else to be selfless instead a selfish thing to wish for? Or worse, what if you find out that deep down, the reason why they are so weary is because of you yourself? What if you were the cause of it and everything would be better if you just disappeared?

Is it ever possible to be selfless and selfish at the same time?

Turning 19.

Alas I turn 19, and not denying the fact that I do feel a little sad that it'll be the last time the digit 1 appears in front of my age. Nevertheless, as miserable as it is that it falls on a Monday and having to stay in college to learn about the ways of the traditional Chinese game, it wasn't really a bad day after all. My day was definitely made brighter by wishes from dear friends, even those whom I don't know well, God bless them for making my day brighter. Then there was the bunch of cutie pies puppies that made my day. Those cuddly creatures are sure cute! Not to forget dinner with my hubby bear, thank you dear for spending time with me on this special occasion. And the day was ended with a late steamboat dinner with the family. All in all, it wasn't such a bad birthday after all and thanks to everyone who made my day. :3

Just a random quick post, can't believe I purchased these babies today! I'm a happy girl! :D

Yet another semester has flew by just like that. First time experiencing a short semester was certainly interesting and exciting, although the first time being ill during a final exam was not something to be proud of. I can't deny the greatest relief was being able to heave off the burden of becoming the class representative, as much as I would love to be the leader, I guess it was time I learn to sit back and take life a bit easier. So much for wanting to be on the top, I guess sometimes no matter how big our ambitions are, we shouldn't forget to stop and take a breather and enjoy the simpler things in life that we have took for granted.

College life certainly wasn't made easier with the sickness that has chose to be my company for eternity, with those stares that 'normal' people give as you walk by. Luckily, I was blessed by companions who were by my side through thick and thin, to them I am eternally grateful for accepting me for who I am. Too much drama has happened ever since we've entered college and I truly am grateful to have them by my side.

I guess you could say these few weeks were certainly not the best of the weeks. But I guess that's just life isn't it, with its own ups and downs and unexpected surprises and challenges. Guess that's what's makes it more exciting.

I just hope I'm strong enough to brave this storm that I'm in.

If Only

So, being a bit nostalgic and was thinking back about the people who have walked in and out of my life, and those who have stayed with me till now. It's funny how much life has changed me, I've learnt to be more relaxed (I guess I did) and to not ponder too much on others' opinion. After all, we can't please everyone we meet.

Well, thinking back and recalling, I can't help but to think of you, my friend. And whether you will come across this post of mine someday I shall leave that in the hands of God. I've known you since we were 7 (If I'm not mistaken) but we weren't very close then, just mere acquaintances who happened to be in the same classroom. Then when we were 9 we got to know each other better. Never shall I forget all those silly things that we have gone through, making up origami and not to forget the famous rubber dust back then. The worst thing was getting caught and having to throw our "treasures"  away. Remember how much it broke our hearts girl?

Things got even better as we grew up, we were the best of pals and even though at times we may become distant from each other, I knew I could always rely on you whenever I needed a friend and that you'll always have my back. Then came secondary and we got even closer, meeting new friends along the way and forming a group of our own. Not long after we were all a happy family, we relied on each other and had fun times and bad times together. Although we may have conflicts among ourselves, but family was family and we stuck with each other through thick and thin. Those girls' nights shall always be part of the sweet memories in my life.

Ah how I miss those days. Perhaps it was tragic, perhaps it was not, but the time came and the tide changed, soon enough you were becoming more and more of a stranger to me, or perhaps to our family as well. It's a choice you made and I would not hate you for that for it is your life. As time goes by, it saddens me that we have became strangers.

The day then came when you chose to leave us and that was the end. Now, thinking back, I wished things could be different. Yes, I admit it. As much as we have hurt each other, I've missed you. I miss the times when we would gossip about crushes. I missed those times when we would just sit down and giggle over girl talk sessions. I miss those times when we did our revision together but ended up chatting instead. I missed those times when we shared our darkest and most embarrassing secrets. But most of all, I miss having you as my friend girl.

So, if only things could have been different.

Amused?

People often make assumptions and make up their own conclusions based on the assumptions they have made, be it fake or real. And when they tell their "story" to another person, they'll most likely add some spices and make it sound ten times worse and more exciting than what it really is.

It really amuses me that they would rather go on spreading their version of the story like wildfire and make it more exciting as this "story" passes on and on continuously than just having the balls to ask the actual person what the real story is.

Then again, I guess that's how humans behave. Everybody likes a story.

Guess I Was Wrong?

I've always thought that being in a relationship was about never being able to live a day without spending time with your special someone. That it every day should be filled with laughter and joy from the time spent with the special one.

I never realised that I was being overly attached until today.

Guess there's supposed to be a balance in couple time and me time as well.

Oh well, people learn from mistakes do they not? :)

The Dawn of a New Day

Alas, the first post of 2014, yet again another year unfolds, a new book, a new journey that waits impatiently for us to discover, new resolutions, a fresh start.

But before all of that, I would start the first post of year 2014 with what has been going on throughout the previous year.

Year 2013. The year that changed my entire purpose of existence. 

First and foremost, the year started with the freedom what every 17 year old in Malaysia was waiting for. After studying and struggling for 11 years, school was FINALLY over. I could finally taste freedom and I could finally begin a new journey in life. As much as I will miss my alma mater, a place that will always have a special place in my heart, I was eager to start another chapter of my life. 

Started the year with an annual dinner with the Taekwondo family, happy to see that after all the struggles, those that remain loyal and true were still strong. Soon after, sent one of my best pals off to the one of the worst nightmares of a 17 year old in the country, National Service! Thank my lucky stars my name was not on the list :P . Although after that she told us it was one of the best experiences she ever had. 

Most of the free time was then filled with working, one of the biggest regrets of my life for agreeing to a favour. Every day I dreaded the thought of going to work, seeing the faces of the younger generation. Don't get me wrong, I don't detest little ones, just the ones who think they own the bloody world and that every one should bow at their presence.

Ever heard of the phrase things happen when you least expect them to? To me, it hit me like a storm outta nowhere. In the midst of enjoying my life, when I was planning where to further my journey, I was struck by a storm. Everything that I ever wanted, all the hopes and all the dreams were snatched away from me. My life was all of a sudden set to the difficulty level of extreme. 

I was shackled by the chains of an illness, an illness that would change my life forever. An illness that has no cure but can only go into remission. Everything changed. Literally. Families were confused and friends were concerned. Those who cared enough stayed. Those who didn't just wasn't worth caring for. Through my battle with this unforgiving illness, I've been through what seemed like the impossible. Of course, entering college at this point of my life seemed like I was adding more burden on my shoulders, what with assignments and coursework and the constant need to communicate with peers that I always have to remind myself who do not understand what I'm going through. Those who do I thank my blessings for having found them. Everyday was a battle, from thinking why I was chosen to carry this burden to taking various medication that made me change not only from the inside but outside as well. Who would have known the painstaking effects of medication.

Through all those and here I am, still fighting and learning how to adapt to this new found life every day. Perhaps it was a way to tell me to take a step back and enjoy the simple things in life that I took for granted all this while. Perhaps it was a way of telling me to stop caring so much. Perhaps it was a way of telling me to take it easy and slow down my pace just one step. Perhaps.

So if someone were to ask me how was 2013 for me? I would say 2013 was the year my world changed forever. But through the change, I've learnt to be grateful, I've learnt to be patient (I think), I've learnt to let go, I've learnt to accept myself for who I am (actually it's still a challenge but no worries, I don't plan to give up any time soon) and most important of all, I've learnt that I am not alone. No matter how difficult the path ahead will be, I'm never alone.

I thank my blessings for having not to face this adversity alone.

On a lighter note, this year has its silver lining. To my special someone, after 4 years of growing up and getting chubby together, finally, we beat the odds and can finally lift the burden although not completely but it was more than we could wished for. I thank God for having someone like you by my side. No matter how bad of a person you think you are, I see the good in you. I see the sacrifice that you have made just to see a smile on my face. I see the courage and strength you showed me while walking this path with me. Words will never be enough to describe how much you mean to me. I can only hope we will never be apart so I can show you how much you mean to me. I love you darling.

So, come forth 2014, I await what you have written for me. It is as I say, the dawn of a new day.