On New Year's eve..

New Year's eve is here again, saying our goodbyes to the old year and welcoming the new year with open arms. Most people would be shouting their lungs out, or maybe clunking their glasses, or even having parties and so on. While me? This New Year's eve was not what I had in mind, at all. First thing in the morning, woke up at six o'clock feeling drowsy and bloated because of last night's food I had at the mass gathering. Went to school feeling completely lost and abandoned. Quite a lot of new students turned up then. Listened to the headmistress blabbering with her awful long speech. Went to class knowing our form teacher, filled in a few forms. Feeling hungry and sleepy, listening to the form teacher mumbling all along. Went home, had lunch and took a nap. Dad came home and off we go out again, with me half asleep and walking here and there like the walking dead.
Went home and could not sleep again until the clock showed the number five. Woke up at nine feeling like a complete idiot again for wasting so much time. And now, here I am, writing crap because my day had been one. Seriously, hearing your own mother saying her kids are not clever are one of the things I hated. To make matters worse, can't even watch a damn teen's choice awards or whatever fucking name it's called.
Last but not least, wishing with all my heart the year 2010 will be better than hell for me. And so, I wish everyone a Happy New Year.

You don't care anymore, therefore, don't expect me to...

I vividly remembered when I was small, you'll always cared for me. Whenever I was sad, you'll make sure those tears dried off. You cared so much for me I felt blessed. But now, just for that one moment, you said the most hurtful words, you asked me to cared for your image, but did you ever thought in that big head of yours that I too, have an image? Did you? For 5 years I've been punctual, missing only on important occasions. Do you think I don't have my image?

Time change, and it is true people change with them. I finally know why. But, I'm not gonna whine and keep crying like a baby. Once those tears dry off, I know inside of me, I'll be stronger, and every step I take I won't regret. If I fall, I'll just stand up and try again.

Someday, I'm gonna soar the skies with my own wings, just wait and see. You never did care anymore, therefore, don't expect me to. If you want your image, take it.

Everlasting & Forever...

When I was a kid, I used to dream of happy ever afters and everlasting love. But it seems that as I grow up and understand more, the words everlasting and forever seem harder and harder to achieve. Being a kid is so much simpler than being a teenager. When I was a kid, there was less to worry about and I could dream of all the happy endings I want. I guess reality is just ugly and that we just have to learn to accept that fact and make it a better place as best as we can. But, deep down, I still believe it can be achieved, with a lots and lots of patience, sacrifice and most importantly, LOVE.

Maybe it's the hot weather, or maybe my mind is just playing tricks with me, or maybe, I'm going to be crazy. I woke up this morning, feeling like a whore. Why you ask me? Well, first of all, my mind was completely thinking of nothing at all when I woke up this morning. After I sat down for awhile, I started thinking about the adult stuff. And I feel like a whore, how can I be thinking of those kind of things? I feel so bad right now, fuck the bastard that did that to me, but, it's not his fault I'm thinking of this fucking shit now. I don;t know what's wrong with me, school is starting soon and my mind is full of this shit. This is not good, somebody please tell me what can I do to not think of these things? I know it's not wrong, cause well, everyone has sexual desires, but, I just don't wanna be thinking of these things right now.

STOP PLAYING GAMES WITH MY HEART, MIND AND SOUL!

Childhood must have been very sweet for most people. Lots of memories flashed through my mind today, and let me tell you, most of my childhood memories are very, very painful. Hearing them saying they could not do anything felt like they were ripping my soul out with their very own hands. God bless may I have the strength and faith to stay strong.

Merry Christmas!

A few more hours and Santa will be climbing down chimneys delivering presents, and some will be kissing Mummy. Churches will be singing and kids will be eager awaiting for their presents when they're tuck into bed.

As for me, this year's Christmas will definitely be an unforgettable one. Memories that I will treasure now and forever. Thank you for being with me when I needed someone, for helping me stand when my knees were weak, for lending me a shoulder when my tears were flowing. But, most importantly, the never ending love you showered me with.

People walk in and out from your heart, but only a few leave footprints in your heart, and that few people is the hardest thing to find. I thank you all that have helped me through obstacles, given me advice and believed in the path that I have chosen. Thank you for believing in me and having faith in me.

I wish everyone a Merry Christmas and hope you guys get a lot of presents!

Kill me now...

Women are sensitive beings, they can get upset at very simple little things. Or. That's just me, a fat ass fucking bitch.

Today was one of the days when all I want to do was take a knife and slit my wrist and just die a slow death. I don't know about other people but me, I'm always me, the sensitive and paranoid fat ass bitch. Yes, you may think I'm crazy right now calling myself a bitch, but, the fact is, I am one.

To my friends and loved ones, I'm grateful that although you guys know the fact that I'm a fat ass bitch, you still love me and accept me for who I am, and that I will remember even if I'm lying on my death bed with " Fat Ass Bitch " written on my tombstone. I don't know what else to say except for thank you for all the kindness and love that you have showered me with.

Of course, as people often says, everyone has their own way of being beautiful, but, I don't see the way you're beautiful when you're a fat ass bitch like me. Everywhere you go, people teases you and they think it's funny, when inside, it's ripping your heart out. But, they don't seem to notice.

As I have always said to myself, I want to show the world that I can make their jaws drop. But, sadly, I can't and never will. You can tell me how many times I'm not fat, even with your most sincere expression, but inside of me, I'm always a fat ass bitch.

So, to all of you that have accepted me, I thank you so so much.

Today was another tiring day yet it was exciting. At 7.45am, I arrived at school completely alone till 9am. Despite all the work we have done, I somehow still feel that there are things that were still left untouched.

At 4 in the evening, finally, home sweet home after such a long day. Took a 30 minutes nap and had dinner. Then BOOM! The waves of emotional and agitation hit suddenly out of nowhere.

And now, here I am, thinking of nothing but, Fuck. The. World.

Adios folks.

Christmas and New Year is just around the corner. Which means to me and most of you people school will be starting soon. Yes yes, most of us are starting to whine and wishing with all our hearts school holidays would not end.

Next year will be a whole new year, a new set of challenges, and a new set of new year resolutions which will most likely remain unfulfilled. Apart from that all, a very memorable day is coming up too very soon.

Well, I think that's all folks. I wish everyone Merry Christmas and may you all get lots and lots of presents!

Me, me and it's still me

Today was yet another ordinary Saturday afternoon where there is simply nothing better to do than either watching television, take a nice nap or what I always do, sit either on my bed or in the living room in front of the laptop.

As I was waiting for one of the F.R.I.E.N.D.S. episode to finish loading, had nothing better to do so flipped through my diaries reminiscing about all those things that have happened in my life.

Then I thought to myself, wow have I changed. A whole lot of me have changed. It's like I don't even know who I am last time. And honestly, I laughed at myself for writing those silly immature things! I guess that's one of the purposes of a diary huh? They are one of those things where you get to know exactly how you were when you're a kid and what you were thinking back then.

I was thinking to myself what an idiot I must have looked like in my diary and was smiling like crazy. But, one thing for sure, through the diary, although it was not a daily thing, I could see the changes I have gone through. Changes which I myself did not even notice.

And God dang it did it freaked me out. And I'm being honest here, man do I miss my boyish side. I really really do, and you guys know why? Because being the tomboy me back then, there was less to worry about then. Of course, I'm worried and paranoid all the time but the tomboy me was such an outgoing and optimistic person. Dang it I miss it!

It's weird to think about it though. When I was boyish back then, all that was in my head was when can I ever be like a real girl? And now, here I am, a changed person looking at skirts and dresses and gowns when I'm in the mall, and all I'm thinking was what the hell went into me?

What I'm trying to say is, I really missed the old me, and I don't want anything to change. I want to be the me now and the me back then. Can I be two person at once even though they're just the past and present? That I really have to figure it out because I want both sides of me, I really do.

You guys think I can ever be both?

Lemons...

Life seems to be giving me lemons nowadays, lots and lots of lemons and truth to say, it's really sour! Not only am I broke, I don't even have a single cent in my pocket. How sad is that? Which leaves me only one option to get money, school! I swear I won't eat at school, I'm so going to save lots of cash so I will never have to go through this again, EVER!

Apart from that, I'm glad that half my paranoia is finally over. A piece of advice from me? Do not spend your money without thinking first.

Adios people, may God bless you.

So called Wish List

As you people know, The Duchess of Angels is dying of boredom here. Too lazy to open her books to study, I shall create a Wish List. Just for fun of it.

1) Do. Not. Get. Paranoid.
2) Get a the happiest and unforgettable sweet sixteen birthday.
3) Stay in first class until Form 5.
4) Do. Not. Become. A. Maniac.
5) Get better in training to shut the fuck up everyone's mouth.
6) Get out and escape somewhere else to study by the age of 19.
7) Get a new life while escaping 'somewhere'.
8) Travel the world.
9) Be with my one true soul mate till death do us apart.
10) Prefects life do not suck as much as it already does.
11) Have my own library with the latest books.
12) Master human psychology and get a PHD.

As the saying goes, which I'm very sure almost every student hates to hear, time flies when you're having fun. Indeed it does, in a blink of an eye, the long term school holidays has come to an end, well, almost. Well informed that next year will be one of the most important year for me, I have yet to study a single chapter of any subject. Pleasant isn't it? Laziness has swept over me like an overwhelmed wave and I have practically let go of all my knowledge and have drifted to paradise.

On the other hand, paranoia seems to be a very annoying sickness that gets on my nerves during times when I just can't stop worrying about someone's safety, or what will their reactions be. And this had led me to total annoyance because till I know you're safe, I shall remain restless. And I really do not meant to stop you from going, it's just that I have a bad feeling, thanks to my total paranoia and my behavior of a day dreamer.

All I can do now is pray and pray for the safety of those I love. May God be with you all and bless you.

Storm Warriors

Went to watch Storm Warriors with my family this morning. Quite entertaining, the song was great, sung by both the lead casts Ekin Cheng and Aaron Kwok. Well, according to my dad, it was not as great as the first one which was a decade ago. Got to see my idol Nicholas Tse. ^^
All together, the movie was entertaining.

Fate..Funny how it may seem sometimes..

She was having hopes at seeing him and his family at the new mall. Then she went there, and the place was so packed like sardines and as big as the ocean. So, she said to herself she would let fate decide if they were meant to meet each other.

She went everywhere around the mall with her dad, finding her relative who works there. Ended up buying what they came for without having found their relative, and fortunately met her at the cashier.

He then told her he was in the mall. And she looked around, then she saw him. She saw him in black and his brother in green and she was so sure she was correct. Then she went home. After asking him, she did saw the correct people, it was them after all.

Fate is funny sometimes, you see the person you want but they don't see you, but inside your heart, you're still happy you saw him, or her. Although they did not literally meet each other, she still felt happy that she saw him because it proved to her that fate wanted them to be together and meet, technically.

Being a good person is not always a good thing..

Being a good person is not always a good thing. According to me of course. Why? Let's just use alphabetical names so I won't offend anyone.

So, D, supposedly was not allowed to go home alone when nobody was home. Because of recent events. But, he went home, and, unfortunately for me, used my pen drive. Thinking it was not a problem I ignored him, although I was a bit unhappy because I do not like people taking or borrowing my stuff without asking me first. Or as simple as it's called, permission. Weird that people usually do not understand simple things like that, courtesy you might call it. Seems to have vanished into thin air nowadays in this modern generation.

Anyway back to the story, so today, when my dad scanned, BAM! Turns out my pen drive has virus. Obviously, since I'm not the one using it, whose fault is it people? And all my files have to be deleted because of some callous, stupid and reckless person like D.

So like I said, being a good person is not always a good thing to do. Sometimes you just have to be harsh and stand firm on your ground people.

A series of events happened today, both bad and good, to my relief, although, unfortunately, the weighing scale goes down on the bad side. And why is that?

First of all, today was supposed to be a fun day out with a bunch of friends. Instead, I was not in a good shape to be outdoor. As a result, some unwanted events happened, but I would not want to bore you readers with it. Got home, and got accused for not following the curfew although I was sure I did not heard it wrong.

Secondly, went to training but could not train, so just sat there and be a spectator.Got the second bad news, I would not be going to the coming trip. I do understand why I could not go, but I can't help but be disappointed. After all, it was the only time I can let my hair down with all my friends.

Apart from that all, I just hope my luck would get better and the economy crisis will eventually subside. For now, I'll just moan and indulge myself in self pity, again.

Happy Birthday Daddy!

Happy Birthday Daddy! You're officially 41 years old now! But no worries Dad, you'll always be young in your heart! So cheers! Thanks for all you've done for me when I was brought to this world by you and Mum! I love you!

Thanks a lot to Fook, Jason, Hee, Danielle and Aunty Josephine for sharing the cost of the birthday cake!

It was so fun surprising Dad. At first, training went on as usual then it got worse. So I took the opportunity to escape, too bad sir said no when my brother went to ask. So we dreaded until surprisingly, sir let us rest. Then Jason, Hee, Danielle and me ran down to bring the cake from Jason's car.

Uncle Piow turned off the lights, according to my dad, he was shocked because of the "power failure". Then, we came in singing 'Happy Birthday' and everyone sang along.

Dad was shocked of course, funnily, he blew the candles before we finished singing!

Not to forget, thank you Master Eddy for letting me going on with the surprise without your permission and not scolding me! Promise it'll be the last time I do this without your permission!

Good deeds seem so pure when you think of it. But do they truly exists? Or is it that there is always hidden agendas behind good deeds?

The sadder good deed? Is when you do something, out of pure love and no hidden agenda, thinking you're doing such a good thing for that particular person, you end up getting blamed and getting scolded. And the worst? Is when you feel you're ruining everything, when what you wanted was as simple as ABC, which is to make the people we love happy and their day memorable.

Will one day ever come when you do a good deed without any hidden agenda and things go as smoothly as you planned it would? I hope it will for me. Because I'm sick of doing things just to help people and make them happy and instead, I'm the wrong one getting blamed and scolded. In the end, I feel so rotten and so hopeless for ruining it.

Jodi Picoult - The Tenth Circle

Just finished reading Jodi Picoult's The Tenth Circle. A really interesting book with great illustrations. It is also linked to Dante's Inferno and the nine levels of hell. Not to mention about the tundra area and the traditions and beliefs of the people living there. Talks about the bond between a father and his child, how parents are afraid to let go of their child which is all part of their kids growing up to becoming independent. How foolish girls can be when their minds are contaminated with peer pressure. It's a really nice book and I really enjoyed reading it. Hope to read more of Jodi Picoult's wonderful books.

A new chapter revealed...

Out of boredom, went through some blog archives and boy have we went through enough! The beginning, 18th May 2009 marked a new bond between us. 23rd May 2009, it was confirmed and was one of the most memorable days I had.

Down till today, 6th December 2009, I can tell you guys, we have been through heaven, hell, rock bottom, total bliss and never-ending demons known to us as 'the guardians'.

So many emotions I have been through yet, I never wanted to give up. Call me stubborn, hot-headed, naive or anything you want, faith and hope was what kept me alive all these times. I do believe the saying, in every minute of happiness, sadness exists. After all, if I could have happiness with the right person, why give up just because of a little bit of flaws?

Therefore, I look forward to graduation and moving on to someplace where I will be accepted with warm welcomes, though I still have a long way. Like I said, the place which I used to call paradise no longer exist because of the path I will not regret choosing. People I once looked up to and respect no longer deserve it. They do not exist. And human minds, they change as fast as lightning.

Enough with the negative comments I wrote, I look forward to begin a new chapter of my life. I look forward to create more memories with the special someone.

Adios folks.

Holidays are as boring as ever, and there are so many things that is awaiting me to complete!

Yet, I want to dedicate this post to someone. And you should know who you are. And I don't care you say I'm a coward or whatever, I hope you read this post.

I asked you why you're upset, you tell me I have friends and yet, I'm always whining and complaining about how I feel left out and marooned. When the 'guardians' were not there, you said I turned my back on you. You said I ignored you and never even bother to look at you. But, let me question you this, did you ever know how many times I looked at you when you did not notice? Did you?

You said all you have is my back and I did not even look at you. Well, did you ever knew I was looking at you even when I'm talking to my friends? I know life has been really hard on us since 18th May 2009. And mind you, I do know how much it has hurt you. Seeing them trying every possible way to break us apart, do you think that does not break my heart?

I know I'm being selfish by setting a line on everything that we're doing. And I do know how much I mean to you. Same thing, you mean a lot to me and I too want us to be happy always.

All I know is, I'm lost again like a little girl that got lost on the way home. I don't know who to trust anymore, I don't know who are my real friends anymore. And face it, I don't know how to answer your questions.

I want to let you know that no matter how hard this path that is set for us, I don't care if we have to take a longer time than other people, but I will, and always want to hold your hand, your warm and comforting hands, and walk through this path with you. Even if we fall, I am never giving up on you. No matter how hard you feel, I'm always there for you, and not one day will I give up on you.

I love you..