I felt lost, I felt betrayed and the worst is, I don't know why...When I was in a bad mood just now, you thought I was mad because you tease me, well, I'm not, I've learned to become immune and because I get that almost everyday at school. But the truth is, I don't know why I was suddenly so mad, maybe it's because I'm not used to not talking to you or sit next to you like we used to, I felt like you did not notice my existence, I felt lost, like we never knew each other, though I know you did this because you had to in order to protect me. Maybe it's because I'm too sensitive, maybe it's because I'm not good at controlling my emotions and is always eager to show them to people. I don't know. You said you were immune to it but, did you ever thought that maybe I was not? I don't know, but I'm new to this. I just wanted to say I'm sorry for my behavior just now if I ever offended you, I'm sorry.That's all I can say.You don't know how much I'm missing you, day by day, I feel like a husk, empty inside and I finally know what do they mean by screaming inside is painful. It really is painful, very...But, I will be strong, I won't let you down.Because I know I love you...

Today was grading, so much fun. Well, actually, it was kind of boring.Lucky all my friends came. Daddy took his grading for Green 1. After the grading, his hands was so cold...Haha..But, my turn at end of the year..TT

A freak.A broken-hearter..

So I'm a freak.So I'm the daughter who made you regret for giving birth to.I know, you brought me to this world, I know, I'm a monster.You have made a mistake by giving birth to a monster.You said I never tried to change, truth is I did.Do you think I like to be a monster?Do you seriously think I like to loose my temper?Do you really think I like turning into a little monster shouting like a banshee out of control?No, I don't.I don't want to be a monster.No one wants to be a monster.I've tried, but every time I tried, I went overboard.Went overboard and became the angelic girl with a holy ring on my head who gets kicked around doing every single thing I'm asked to.And then, when I tried turning back to normal, everything came tumbling down like Jake came tumbling down.They say I'm selfish, say I don't care, say I'm not loyal, say I'm a backstabber.You think that's nice, let me tell you IT IS SO NOT NICE.So not.What I did you never seemed to care, never seemed to appreciate.What more do you want?I'll tell you what I am now.I'm like Kyo Sohma from Furuba.If you don't know what's that, it's an anime. Go search it up and see what that character is. Part of him is me.I'm a disaster.

Deidre.It means sorrowful or heart-broken.And I proved that I was meant for this name
Emo suddenly took control of me, didn't know how it happen, like a wave or tide, it suddenly came rushing through my veins.And as predicted, I exploded.Exploded to once become the monster I've dread and fear, the ugly side of me.And when the tide was gone, slowly washing away, I regret.And fell into a deep of disappointment.I tried to change, tried to breath in and out every single time I loose control,but I failed.And as a result, I have broken the heart of someone who truly means everything to me.And I'm sorry,I really am sorry..I'm a monster.I'm deidre.The heart-breaking monster

School test 2 is finally over!
I really really wanna go out to the movies!
Just came back from Gamelan practice,kinda nice though when we fusion with the western music
Long story short,last night's training was the most unforgettable one i think,this guy from muay thai who asked who was the toughest guy in our centre finally partner with jin shan and johnson and oh boy did he get his ass kicked.Then,sir gotten kinda mad and challenged him..Lucky he wasn't that stupid to hit sir with the chair or...I don't know what is gonna happen.Then,after a long talk with sir eddy,he went home(never comin back i guess).He even bow to kor le..Kinda pity him,got hit so hard..Oh well..
Ok,I'm having a poll votes here,majority wins k?Who says I should keep my blog private and who says I shouldn't?Just drop your votes in my cbox ok?And I'll see what the majority is.Thank you!Arigato!

Finally!After...erm...after 7 long hours,the heritage competition presentation is finally done!Yay!Well,Xin Yi need to edit a bit though.Oh well,tomorrow's schedule,study of course!Just hope I won't get bad results for the test on Wednesaday or I'm dead..

Bon Odori

Just came back from Bon Odori festival from Esplanade.So happy!First,went and meet Janice near the ghost school her was organizing.Then,Shirley came and went with her cause Janice and her gang or friends were talking and I don't really know what they were talking about things that I don't really know,oh well,what can I do?We are in different schools for two years already right?Then,saw Fook and his friends then me and Shirley went hanging out with them cause there was a lot of people and it was kind of dangerous.So,following the guys were safe and we weren't so scared.At 7pm,the event started with a group of people from japanese school playing the drums,it was kind of cool.Then,the dancing started and we escaped to the beach cause they were dancing the song Rasa Sayang!Oh My God!What kind of japanese festival actually dance to a malay song?!Then,watched a bunch of stupid tomboys(or lesbians)writing on the sand and it kept being washed by the waves but they keep writing!Walked around,saw Fook's friends and talked with them,they were all so funny!Then,Shirley's heels hurt cause she was wearing high heels and we had to sit down at the playground.Saw Sao Cheng,Shu Yee,Wan Xin and Hui Ling.Walked around the stalls and bought food,really expensive and crowded!Then,saw the fireworks at 10pm!So much fun!Thanks dad for everything today!

Can't believe this!So happy,everything was sorted out just now...So,we're ok again..Thank you so much...And I can't wait for bon odori!!!

I love you...

Baby,
I love you no matter what you say,
I don't care if you say I'm wasting my time on you,
Because I'm not and I know it.
I know what I'm doing,
I want you to be happy,
If I'm making you sad and all,
Tell me and I promise you I'll leave you alone,
But I'll always be here when you need someone to fall back to,
I'm always here,by your side.
And I'm hoping I have a place in your heart too,
Because to me,you are the most important person to me...
So,don't ever say that I'm wasting time...
Because I'm not and I'm spending time loving the one I love the most ok?
So remember this,if you feel that I'm not the one for you,tell me ok?
I just want you to be happy,not suffer...
I can't bear to see you suffering,so never hesitate to tell me anything
Whether it's something good or bad,I'd rather hear what you really feel than lies.
I love you honey,now and always will...

Codename:Fear...

In order to prevent any misunderstanding or any gossip.I'm using codename and this may or may not be the person you readers are thinking.If you really know me,you'll definately know who this is...

So I had this friend,her name was C and she and I had a chat last night.
C had a boyfriend,Q and they've been together for almost two months.
Of course she was happy with Q,although he is not perfect and is not a prince charming on a white horse,he sure is caring and sweet and always wants the best for C.
But,what really troubled her was what she heard from her teacher,the title they were talking at school were about teenage girls getting pregnant.
The teacher's words kept ringing in her ear,like,"It all starts with holding hands,then the shoulder,then kissing then that thing.." or "Girls,do you really want to go through all this things that will ruined your life?All the pain?Do you want that?".
After that,C was truly afraid,not of Q,but of what might happened to her but,is she afraid of him too?Is he that kind of guy?That was what she thought of the whole day at school.But in her heart,C knows that Q loves her and will never do such a thing.
At last it was after school,and as usual C texting with Q.
Then,she was online and she wrote she was afraid that thing might happened to her in her personal message.
Q saw it,and ask her if it was him she was afraid of.
She told him no,but in her heart it was a yes.Why?Because she was afraid and confused that she'll get pregnant too.
Then C told Q and what he said was not what she wanted to hear..She wanted to make sure that Q was not that type of jerk who dump girls after making them pregnant.But he said,all the guys are same,they want the same thing.But,some of them show respect.C was relieved because she knew that Q was not a jerk.
But,why is she still scared?

I hope this post has not offended anyone,it's just the true feelings about that person's thoughts after what she heard...

Torn between two.

What should I do now?First,I haven't done my homework,haven't memorize the prefects' committee board leaders and don't feel like going to Pangkor Island tomorrow as well,if adults are going,there's no fun in it right?So,what's the use of going on a vacation when you can't have fun and enjoy yourself and just let your hair down?On the other hand,I really don't want to let dad down for leaving him to go alone with mum and the others.So,what should I choose?To go or not to go?

I'm Torn Between Two...

Most tiring day ever

The title of the blog says it all.After school,rushed to take my camera and handphone from the discipline room then rushed to toilet again,hoping to change first before going out to meet Saras (one of my senior) to learn about duties at Gate 2.Realized there were so many people waiting outside so forgot the idea and went to Gate 2 for duty instead.Saw Janice Heng there (my partner) and she told me all about Gate 2 while my senior was talking with Lee Sa.After duty,went to ping pong table and saw May Peng (my other senior) and she asked us about prefects stuff which I haven't memorize.Went to change into my shorts and school T later,walked out to Main Gate to wait for Vanessa and PY to go to Green Hall to eat.Ended up they went without me.Then,ate PY's coffee bun while walking to Town Hall with Inani and Dianah.The heritage tour started after everyone arrived including some groups from Hamid Khan.Went to places and listened to things I've never heard or took notice before.Went back to the Heritage Office after the tour,saw a presentation.Took some pictures at the office,awhile later,grandpa came and went home.
At home...
Had a bath,halfway through eating nuggets,dad came and told us to be quick,as usual.Arrived at home and changed into uniform and went to training feeling tired and blur..Master Yaw wasn't here so Master Eddy conducted the class today.Taught the yellow belt kids with kor and when we demostarted the way to do three-step-sparring,hit kor's stomach too hard.Oops!Sorry kor!After training,talked for awhile with my friends and went home and now I'm sitting here writing this post.

A change in my life...Now and forever

Tuesday 7th July,after recess,the head prefect,announced the names of the students who passed the interview.My name was called,and from that moment,I knew my life was going to change.But I didn't knew how bad it would be,yet.Then I went back to class and as usual,told them that I got selected as a probation prefect.Then,out of the blue suddenly,they started talking,saying to me that I'm not their friend anymore.And I felt lost,like I was an alien that did not belong there.But I kept quiet,though what they said really did stabbed me deep into my heart.I was disappointed,I was sad,as I couldn't believe that this was them,this was real.But I showed them,physically,of how strong their words have impact me and they knew.Then,they apologized,and I thought over and over again and said to myself,what is the use of getting mad at them?Might as well cherish them for always being with me during hard times.So,I held on to faith and tried to stay calm and relax.But oh boy was it hard.I had to smile,smile through all their teasing and stay calm and say to myself that everything will be okay.But,since the day I chose this path to be a probation prefect,I knew,knew that we would never be the same again...

Currently watching the repeat of Michael Joseph Jackson's memorial service in Staples Centre.Now I finally realized that I was wrong to have believed the news that he was a bad person.After hearing to what all the artists and his close friends and family said about him,he is a very pure and innocent person..To The King Of Pop,though you have already left earth,I want to apologize for mistaking who you really are..

MJ Live Memorial Service

Well,I'm now awake at 1am to watch the live telecast of The King Of Pop Michael Joseph Jackson..Can't believe I can actually wake up...Well,hope I can watch till the memorial ends...

These past few days had been like a nightmare to me.And here's why I felt that way..

First,we sort of had a fight and misunderstood what each of us wanted to say to each other and I really can tell you,I was so afraid that you will never forgive me and will never be with me again.Then,when you called me that night,I was so relieved to know that you weren't mad at me,or you were but I was relieved just to hear your voice.After that night,I found out that I can't loose you anymore the ways I nearly did...

Second,I have had enough of you people.And I hope I'm not offending anyone saying this.I understand that making fun of people is a fun thing to do but,hey,don't you people know that I'm sensitive?!Hello!I am a human too you know?!And I'm ok with you people teasing me but please,don't get onb my nerves ok?

Why?Why do I always do things that I know is wrong?Why do I say things to hurt people?Why?This question has always been unsolved inside my heart....Why?I did it before and I'm doing it again...I'm truly a bitch..

We will forever remember you...

The crowd during the message-writing session

My message to The King of Pop...We will miss you dearly

Me and Xin Yi's candles after the 30 sec moment of silence

Me and Xin Yi's candles before the 30 sec moment of silence

Me and Xin Yi holding our just lighted candles

The impersonator of MJ dancing the song Dangerous

The crowd at the memorial service ceremony

Just came back from the tribute in Prangin Mall to The King of Pop,Michael Jackson...There was a impersonate contest and a 13-year-old Indian boy won!Wow!then we had a 30 seconds' moment of silence for The King of Pop and everyone lighted candles and the light was dimmed.During that 30 seconds,the song You Are Not Alone was on and Xin Yi,me and a a few of the crowd who knew the lyrics sang along.Then,we get to write short messages and sign on the poster of MJ.Xin Yi actually drew an arrow beside MJ's face and began her message with *arrow* My boyfriend!Oh My God!Cheers to you Xin Yi for being so sporting and don't worry Xin,your copyrights will be reserved.

Took these photos this morning when I went to Prangin with mum and dad to watch Transformers,too bad the tickets for the movie were sold out!had to go home.But don't worry,I will be there for the memorial service of The King of Pop.See you there Xin Yi and all Michael Jackson's die hard fans!

The banner which made me slept at 4am

Yesterday was Girl Guides' combined camp.It was so much fun,though I had to sleep at 4am because there was so many things to do.Still remember when I woke up and nearly fell down when I walked.Luckily mum was there to help me or don't think I'll even get any sleep.And I was late to arrive at school,lucky me didn't get deducted any points.Then,there were camp decoration and inspection.Fancy drill began and ours was so...I don't know how to describe it,well it goes like this though:
Are you ready to rock?
Yes!
Then let's rock it!
We will we will rock you*clap*
Rock you!
RTT take 1*clap clap*
I like to move it it,you like to move it it,we like to..Move it!
RTT take 2*clap clap*
*Tepuk nyamuk*
RTT take 3*clap clap*
*Tepuk beruang*
RTT last take*clap clap*
Tepuk komando!Lagi sekali!Jangan berhenti!
Yo yo RTT number 1 in the station!
Weird huh?Oh well,at least we did something,then next was performance,we did drama and dancing.I had to sing most of the song coz my group didn't really know how to sing and half way through the song,the laptop fell down!Then during free dance,everyone dance like crazy and it was damn fun!
Water games...there was this station whee we had to crawl and roll in the mud!Ew...but it was an experience...
Then we took a shower and after tea time,last free dance!
Prize giving ceremony..
The best patrol leadet falls to....Deidre Lok from Group 4!Yay!So happy!
And the end,went home and slept like a pig at 9pm till morning!^^
P.S. To all the members and exco from Group 4,Remember The Time,you people rock!

Well,today was quite fun.I think.Well,first of all,I HAVE FINALLY FINISHED MY PART FOR THE GIRL GUIDES CAMP THIS SATURDAY!And if those 'dummies' won't co-operate,I'm going to give them a good 360 degree turning kick!To their face!Don't believe I can do it?Well,try me then and see yourself regret.First of all,I'm not going to do dancing because there are hardly enough time to so I'm going to sing.Listen up those 'dummies' out there,you better do as you're told or say bye bye to your pretty face.