I'm a happy girl ^.^

Just wanted to update about the big husky that I sorta got as a gift from him. ❤❤ It was supposed to be given to one of our friend as her birthday present but seeing that I loved it so much he decided to give me instead as present. So, we ended up buying another soft toy for her instead, which turned out to become one of our friend's favourite too :-))

Well, I just wanted to say how happy I am that I got to keep the husky. Thank you so so much love.

The devil in disguise

I can bet every one of you has someone that you just cannot deal with most of the time. Yeah, sure once or twice you might force yourself to put up with them, or once in a blue blue moon you might even share a laughter with them. But, most of the time, they make you want to rip your hair out just by looking at them.

Well for me, it was none other than my very own sibling, which for the purpose of this post, I shall refer to as D. 

You see, the seed of hatred did not just blossomed over a day, the seed was implanted deep within me ever since I was a child. Why you may ask? The answer to that will probably take forever to fulfill, I could fill endless pages with why I despise D so much. But, as a summary, among other things such as the never ending fights and quarrels we got into when we were under the care of our grandparents as our parents were off making a living, I have been scarred very, very, VERY deeply by D. I'm sure those who are close to me know what I mean. 

As a kid, I've learnt to just live with it, bottling up my fears and hatred deep inside me because I was afraid of telling my parents, in fear that they would call me a liar, which, later in life, they did when I finally cooked up the courage to confess. I don't think  I can ever forget how disappointed I was by their reaction. 

It was then that I realised I was alone in this. And to make matters worse, this seed of hatred just grows bigger and bigger as days go by. 

I've tried to heed the advice of those who say I should just forgive and forget, but to those people, the only thing that I can say to them is, if you have never been through what I have, then you have absolutely no fucking right to tell me to just forgive and forget. 

I've thought long and hard about how unfair it is that I have to be the one to carry the burden of this painful memory whilst D was free of it. 

Whenever I see his face, even without him speaking or doing anything, I would just be boiling inside, like a volcano waiting to explode for no apparent reason.

I do hope that I could forgive and forget sometimes, but I guess I'm just that stubborn and vengeful huh?

Been hella a few weeks.

 This past few weeks were truly a journey that were filled with much emotions.

Started the month with hanging out with friends who I have known for as long as 14 years, including one who recently came back from the land of the gingers for her holidays, even though someone said she won't be planning to come back. Nevertheless, it was good to see you again old friend.

So, started out our hang out by having dim sum together at Bali Hai, which up until then I never knew served dim sum in the morning. Six of us turned up despite the original plan being seven of us as one of them decided to take a rain cheque as she couldn't wake up. The food was decent at a reasonable price, but, I guess food tastes better when you have a greater company to enjoy it with. Anyways, what was originally only a dim sum meet up turned into a horror movie date. "Best" 9 bucks I've spent for covering my eyes through the entire show.

Ended the day after lunch with a cheers to many more years of friendship. After that, continued the day with dinner with my darling hubby bear as well as a long time friend who has been like a big sister to me since I was in primary. 

                          

A few days passed and had another hang out with a slightly different bunch of people, partly also a farewell for the said friend who took a rain cheque.

A few days later had one last lunch date and it was sending her off to the airport. Although we promised we wouldn't break down, but we couldn't battle the fight and at last ended the send off in tears. I'll miss you when you're gone Carmen, take care and have fun in the US alright? And take good care of Xiao Dre. 

After that, it was movie time again, the long awaited movie for me and my darling, Inside Out! The movie was amazingly done, although it did made us emotional at most parts. Do I look like Sadness? :P

Started the last week of August with a hang out with some of my dearest friends from college during my diploma years, nothing's more fun and entertaining than just sitting down and chatting while time flies by. It was also one of the few meet ups hat we could manage before the little one on the left leaves for Ireland to continue her studies and if luck allows, start her career there.

The time then came again to 'send off' Vivien to  ginger land. And I certainly can't describe how glad I was that it ended in laughter instead of in tears, then again, with most of the day involving all of us giving life advice to one of our friends who was constantly being tormented by us, especially me on that occasion. On that note, have fun and take care the rest of the time you're there laddie! I'll see ya soon when you're back here again!

                 

Spent the last remaining days at the pot luck dinner held at sir's house, overall being a success, plenty of food, plenty of people, super noisy kids who eventually got shushed by buaya because they were disturbing mini buaya who was in a cradle.   

September comes and it's time to wake up. 

Started off the month by having a supposedly farewell gathering for the little one who we are all going to miss her most for her bubbly personality that can cheer you up whenever you're with her. 

We then met a few days later where we could just hang and talk all day, cherishing the last few moments where we could hang out before parting ways with Jessica. Gonna miss you when you're gone my little friend, take care of yourself in Ireland alright?

After saying our goodbyes, it was time to celebrate the special day of hubby bear. Been together with him for 6 years and man, honestly, I never thought I'd be so lucky to have met someone like you my dear. I don't think there are any words to express how grateful and blessed I am to still have you by my side even though after you found out that I'm sick. Thanks so much for sticking by my side all this while honey. And thanks for the treat at TGIF even though it was your special day. Hope you like the giant Pepero that I got you, hehe. 

              

 

Well, that about sums up the few weeks so far. Sorry for the long post, here's a potato. Have a nice day folks. =)

Compromise.

I've heard and read that if you want a relationship to work, you gotta compromise. I never really knew how difficult compromising was, never thought it could be so tiring and  certainly never thought the amount of of patience needed to do it.

You see, when you're at the start of your relationship, it's all rainbows and butterflies and hugs and kisses. You're so content with the cloud of happiness and bliss that you're in and you think to yourself, wow I'm the luckiest and happiest person.

Now fast forward to a few years later, how many of you are still in the same relationship? How many of you actually had the balls or rather, the patience to say or admit that you're wrong,  even if you're not, just for the sake of ending a silly argument? How many of you actually worked things out when things turned sour instead of walking out on the cloud of bliss that you once thought you shared with your significant other? How many of you actually had the guts to swallow your pride because you know that if you just sit this one out instead of exploding it'll all be over soon?

My point is, I've come to realise how difficult it is to maintain a relationship. And every jab that I've received, regardless of if he knew what he said was actually hurting my feelings, I've learned to sorta live with it and  just sit it out instead of shouting like a maniac and starting a war.

Why? It's not because I'm scared of him or anything, it's because at the end of the day, when we take care of each other when one of us is sick, or when we comfort one another when the other is upset, or when we spend the whole day not talking but embracing each other, all the things that went wrong will seem so petty and I'll be wondering why I cared so much about it in the first place.

And that is why we compromise.

Sometimes, more often than not, life just decides to change its course. Without any notice, without any warning or without any whispers to warn you. One moment you find yourself happily soaking in the Sun, strolling along the beach, feeling the sand between your feet, the next moment, all of that is just a memory. A memory that's so distant you although it wasn't even that long ago. 

Well, that's what happened in my case anyway.

I've never realised how much I miss doing all those things that are considered normal to others. Simple things, as simple as walking without any protection on a bright, sunny day, would be hazardous now. A simple task of strolling by the beach would also be hazardous now. 

Truth is, I miss doing those things. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is, I miss being normal. 

Maybe it's time, no?

I remember us being introduced for the first time, 7 years ago when I was in preparation for a performance. I remember us getting on each other's nerves then. Funny isn't it? How two individuals who disliked each other had no idea that they were the missing piece in a puzzle of each other.

I remember all the endeavours and perhaps, the word most suitable to describe, all the shit we had to go through just to be together. I remembered how happy I was when I finally found someone I could confide in, someone who probably knows me better than anyone else including myself, someone who always, always puts me first above all. I remembered how amazing it felt when we had first held hands, when we first embrace each other and the first time we kissed, as silly as it was, in the midst of strangers.

And now, after all those endeavors has passed, I couldn't be more happy that we were finally able to be together without worrying that we would be seen.

But then, I probably should have known that in reality, there are no happy endings and that trouble will always be present. After all that we have been through, a new adversity shows its face yet again. An adversity that involves no one other than ourselves. The doubt, the strength that puts us to the test of how far we are willing to hold on to one another, or simply put, the test of faith.

Truth be told, I missed those moments we used to have. We had fun, cherish those times we had together despite having to hide from everyone else. But now, when there was nobody to hide from, I can't help but feel like a burden. I can't help but feel that I'm the one weighing you down. I can't help but wonder, more often than not, if you would be better off if I just had the courage to let go, to free you from the pain that you have to endure with me.

As I once read, if you see a beautiful flower, don't pluck it, leave it be, as it will die if you pluck it. Perhaps I should too, do the same?

Perhaps.

As an individual, we are often taught to choose our own path, to choose our own destiny, that destiny is in fact in our hands. We're often taught that we should follow our instincts despite the advice given by others.

However, more often than not we'll probably choose the path that was decided by others. And why? It is not that we are indecisive, it is not that we are weak. But, I have found out that most often than not, it is just because we love that person too much. We accept the path that was chosen by them because we can't bear to disappoint them, because we want to see them smile. And even though we'll probably regret it, we somehow tricked ourselves that we are indeed doing the right thing.

But until when I wonder, do we let them decide what path should we journey upon?

Perhaps it's time that we stand on our feet, perhaps it's time we voice out, perhaps it's time to be brave and for once embrace what we want to do with our lives, perhaps it is time we step out of our comfort zone and for once do something that we truly want to do.