Sometimes, more often than not, life just decides to change its course. Without any notice, without any warning or without any whispers to warn you. One moment you find yourself happily soaking in the Sun, strolling along the beach, feeling the sand between your feet, the next moment, all of that is just a memory. A memory that's so distant you although it wasn't even that long ago. 

Well, that's what happened in my case anyway.

I've never realised how much I miss doing all those things that are considered normal to others. Simple things, as simple as walking without any protection on a bright, sunny day, would be hazardous now. A simple task of strolling by the beach would also be hazardous now. 

Truth is, I miss doing those things. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is, I miss being normal. 

Maybe it's time, no?

I remember us being introduced for the first time, 7 years ago when I was in preparation for a performance. I remember us getting on each other's nerves then. Funny isn't it? How two individuals who disliked each other had no idea that they were the missing piece in a puzzle of each other.

I remember all the endeavours and perhaps, the word most suitable to describe, all the shit we had to go through just to be together. I remembered how happy I was when I finally found someone I could confide in, someone who probably knows me better than anyone else including myself, someone who always, always puts me first above all. I remembered how amazing it felt when we had first held hands, when we first embrace each other and the first time we kissed, as silly as it was, in the midst of strangers.

And now, after all those endeavors has passed, I couldn't be more happy that we were finally able to be together without worrying that we would be seen.

But then, I probably should have known that in reality, there are no happy endings and that trouble will always be present. After all that we have been through, a new adversity shows its face yet again. An adversity that involves no one other than ourselves. The doubt, the strength that puts us to the test of how far we are willing to hold on to one another, or simply put, the test of faith.

Truth be told, I missed those moments we used to have. We had fun, cherish those times we had together despite having to hide from everyone else. But now, when there was nobody to hide from, I can't help but feel like a burden. I can't help but feel that I'm the one weighing you down. I can't help but wonder, more often than not, if you would be better off if I just had the courage to let go, to free you from the pain that you have to endure with me.

As I once read, if you see a beautiful flower, don't pluck it, leave it be, as it will die if you pluck it. Perhaps I should too, do the same?

Perhaps.

As an individual, we are often taught to choose our own path, to choose our own destiny, that destiny is in fact in our hands. We're often taught that we should follow our instincts despite the advice given by others.

However, more often than not we'll probably choose the path that was decided by others. And why? It is not that we are indecisive, it is not that we are weak. But, I have found out that most often than not, it is just because we love that person too much. We accept the path that was chosen by them because we can't bear to disappoint them, because we want to see them smile. And even though we'll probably regret it, we somehow tricked ourselves that we are indeed doing the right thing.

But until when I wonder, do we let them decide what path should we journey upon?

Perhaps it's time that we stand on our feet, perhaps it's time we voice out, perhaps it's time to be brave and for once embrace what we want to do with our lives, perhaps it is time we step out of our comfort zone and for once do something that we truly want to do.

Am I asking for too much?

What is the extent that someone is okay with something that they know is impossible to be okay with no matter how difficult they try and no matter how hard they try to cover it up with a smile?

Will you be seen as overreacting if you did explode? Or will they actually understand how you feel?

I guess sometimes even the person who you think understands you the most will turn out to be the most clueless person.

Am I asking for too much to have the dream that my prince will someday sweep me off my feet? Are those just the results of over expectation?

Reality, sucks.

First of all, a very congratulations to one of my dearest and oldest friend for finally finding happiness and his other half. I have to say, after seeing him gone through the pain of losing a relationship which most thought would be the one, I'm glad to see him with his other half in holy matrimony.

Although one should be joyous at an occasion like this one, I can't help but feel alone and somehow at my worst. Seeing friends doll up and the guys in their smart attires, I guess I had a little hope to be one of those girls who were pretty and wore pretty and fancy dresses to a place like that. But let's face it, I was never cut out to be like that ever since the beginning. I could try, but everytime I do, it'll just feel awkward and out of place. Being comfortable and truly yourself takes a lot of sacrifice it seems. But for one night, sometimes I wish I could be a princess and live in a fairytale and have the attention to myself. But who am I kidding eh?

Time.

So, first of all, a very happy new year to all my readers (if there is indeed anyone whose reading). 2014 has certainly been a hectic yet adventurous journey as I could say. I've been battling the 'friend' who has decided to stay as long as I breathe, the wolf which I have come to make peace with, hoping that it will be tamed for as long as it can be. 

Surely of course, it seems that I am not the only one who are battling the demons around them. Some are battling to become a better person, some are battling for a brighter future, and some, are just battling the bricks and hurdles that are stopping them from going over the bridge, toward their goals or as some would like to call it, material possessions. 

Time, is a relative essence, or whatever you would like to categorize it. Until today, the thought of what would happen to me after I stop breathing, will I be reborn? Will I know that I'm gone? All these thoughts still send a shiver down my spine when I think of it, the afterlife. But time, sadly, is never enough. Time, is simply going to move along, like the tides of the sea, feeling no pity for those who choose to be idle with it. But, I ask myself, will there ever be enough time for each of us? Will there always be enough time to reach for what you want? I guess the answer will probably be no. We will eventually just have to deal with it, we will simply just have to make the best of the time that has been given to us.

I also wonder, is it possible for two souls who belong together to meet at the wrong time? Would these two souls be better off if they were apart? Would one be an anchor to the other to achieve what he wants? Would he better off alone, at least until he finds out what he wants or have attained it? 

 

Oblivion is after all, inevitable.

A lot of changed in my life these past few months. Of course, considering the fact that fate thinks its funny to set upon me this great tragedy in the time where I was just about to start exploring the world. Then again, all heroes have a tragedy don't they?

Sadly, I've come to realise that no matter how big a part something can be in your life, eventually, when you stop being important or significant, you'll be forgotten. Sure people might mention you once in awhile, but, sooner or later, you'll just be a fraction of their memories, or worse, maybe even not and you'll be totally forgotten.

I never thought it'll have such a great impact on me. I used to think I was a part of this one big family where we share the same passion. But, as soon as I disappear, so does my reputation. I guess it's partly my fault that I didn't put any effort in being a part of the family even though I'm no longer involved. But it does still hurt knowing that you'll just be wiped off just because you aren't a part of something anymore.

So, I guess what I'm tying to say is, as true as it is in one of my favourite novels, oblivion IS inevitable..