There's only so much time someone can afford to apologise and there's only so much time for them to be forgiven. But why is it that every time I cry alone and awake with swollen eyes in the mist of yet another day, my heart melts when you say how much I mean to you even though it's been scarred again and again.

I guess sometimes the only question is is it worth all the pain.

Why give up now?

I've always told myself to never give up and never back down no matter how difficult or tough the waves of reality hits. Even when we're sailing against the tide, we've always succeeded to pass whatever storm that hit us together, side by side. I know life is a living hell for you now, and I know you feel like the one piece of stacks that we play, the one piece that if you pull it out everything will tumble. Maybe you think that pulling that one piece out and just let everything tumble is a better solution. But why give up now? After all that we have went through why give up now? Yes I don't deny that I'm upset and hurt but I never said I'll give up on you or on us.

18th Birthday

Took me awhile, but like everybody else, I turned 18. Honestly, 2013 will not really be a year I want to remember, but it is the year my life decided to take a humongous roller coaster ride. Am I glad it happened? Yes and no. Well today started out as an alright day I suppose. Went out with family, had dinner, laughed like wild hyenas, took photos to be kept as memories for the later years and drove everybody home.

As much as I wished a special someone was there to celebrate this day with me, well, I guess life doesn't always turn out the way you want it. But hey, there's always the 21st birthday. :)

Life seems to have changed for me after I was diagnosed with lupus nephritis. For those who do not know, it is a disease where the antibodies cannot differentiate which are the bacteria and viruses and will thus attack the organs. 

Being hit by this disease, yes, I was literally being hit, it attacked me when I least suspected it. Sometimes I wonder, of all the people in the world, why me? Is God joking with me? But then, someone told me, "Give me a hero and I'll write you a tragedy". These words nonetheless inspired me to move on and get on with my life, because, let's face it, the truth is, no matter how sad and down you think you are, time and tide waits for no man. It just keeps moving along. 

I'm not exactly certain if there's a sickness for it, but ever since I was diagnosed with lupus nephritis, I've been feeling a lot less than normal people do. Mind you I did searched for it on Google and surprisingly found that a lot of people out there face the same problem. It is a condition called 'emotionally numb'?

So, I guess I'm not alone after all.

But, what I'm trying to say is, no matter how difficult life may seem to be now, no matter how big the obstacle in front of you is, or how high the hurdle in front of you is, I believe you can overcome it. And most importantly, keep yourself healthy and fit. =)

Courage

Living in the world of martial arts, I've come to learn that if you do not want to take the first step to try something, then no one can force you to accomplish anything. It is solely up to you to decide do you or do you not want to accomplish that goal.

What bothers me the most is, people who don't even bother to try. I'm not saying I'm selfish in offering my help. But you are fully capable of doing that particular task, so why not try before giving up and saying you can't? How much longer do you want to keep telling yourself you can't?

I still remembered till this day what my master taught me, he says, the mind is the greatest tool you possess, if you say you can do it, then you will, if you can't, then you can't. You can only lead the cow to the river, but you can't force it to drink the water.

So, think about it, the next time you want to try something new, tell yourself that you can do it and take that first step. Because that first step, may be the doorway to many other adventures you will have in the future.

ON MY OWN

All my life I've never really feel like I have any freedom. I was pampered. And as much as you can say being pampered is a good thing, it has its downsides. Most obvious is that you will probably fund yourself becoming more and more clingy to that person who provides you the necessities of survival. It's all good when you're still young, but as time goes by and you grow older and mature, you realise you see the world through a different perspective, a different point of view, which may differ from some people, or most people around you. The more you grow, the dark side of you reveals itself more and more each day, surfacing even more to haunt the angelic side of your innocence. How you choose to embrace your dark side is up to you. Some may use it to achieve dark goals while some choose to learn from it and become stronger. Me? Well it has become my tutor, often I learn from it. Often I speak of moving out to some place distant, away from everyone who thinks I'm nothing but a doll, pampered by my family. Well today I was given a challenge. A challenge to move out and live on my own. And you know what? I accept it. I know it's hard but that's why it's called a challenge isn't it? I will make it one day. One day I will hold my head high and say I've done it. I did it ON MY OWN. Just you wait and see. I won't be that little diamond that looks so fragile any more. I'm done being pampered at. Just you wait, one day I'll stand on my own two feet and will say I did it. ON. MY.  OWN.

Why care now?

Today marks the day of the last repetitive date on the calendar. As to most of you, if I have any readers that is, today might be the day you'll do something memorable.As for me, today was an auspicious day for me, a day that will probably be etched in my memory, and not in a good way.

I'm not denying I've done no wrong. But all the while I was wondering, pondering in the presence of the cold water beating on myself, the only way I found effective when I needed to soothe my emotions. And I was wondering, when I was scarred and traumatised, none of you cared, NONE of you, except for one. The one person who have helped me overcome my suicidal behaviour, cure my trauma, lend me a helping hand when I was in deep water, held me up when I fell down and most important of all, believed in me for who I was and who I am. So why now? Why do you care now when the scars have deepen? When I don't trust you to be worthy any more?

I'm curious. How can you all be blinded by something a person who is OBVIOUSLY a bad influence say? Is he so wise that you have to cling to his every word? Why can you not see that the one person has helped me cope with traumatised life? Why on earth would you want to hate the one person who is important to me? Isn't that selfish?

I may not be experienced or wise, but at least I know whose worthy of my trust.